


I Will Remember You

by allfordean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season 9 Ending, Amnesia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-01-27 15:30:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1715597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allfordean/pseuds/allfordean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Castiel uses the last of his grace to rid Dean of the Mark of Cain, he wakes human, with no memory of himself or the Winchesters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my alternate Destiel ending to season 9, full of love, and heartbreak, and... love. It'll be updated on the 30th of each month and will serve as an alternate season 10. I'll probably write it 'til the end of the show, since I could go on forever. It won't be getting too graphic in the sexual sense, because I want to stick to the tone of the show and whatnot. Enjoy!

It reeked of hell in the old, abandoned church. The stench of death had infiltrated the scent of the reasonably condemned building's rotting wood floors. Once bland, the browns and grays that colored the walls and floor of the church had been speckled with Abaddon's scarlet remains. And it was beautiful. Dean breathed in the scent as he took in the view of the Knight of Hell's defeat. He'd completely tuned out his brother, who had been tied to a post near the back of the sanctuary to watch the battle helplessly. Sam's shouts fell silent on Dean's ears. He heard nothing, save the faint echo of Abaddon's tortured screams playing back in his mind like an instant replay. He felt himself smile, and somewhere in the back of his mind he could remember his brother accusing him of "enjoying it a little too much", but it wasn't loud enough to shake him from his post-slaughtering ecstasy.

The hand that was holding the First Blade, _his_ blade, trembled as though even it feared him. Dean turned to face the front of the church, having sensed the presence of something... wrong. Or maybe it was right. _Too_ right. Righteous, even. It didn't belong there. Not with the Mark of Cain. Not with the First Blade. Not with Dean.

His eyes settled upon Castiel, who was working on freeing Sam from the bonds Abaddon had placed him in, and Dean felt no hesitation as he marched after the angel. His hand tensed around the blade, a burning electricity shooting through the mark on his arm as though it, itself, was alive and was eagerly anticipating another kill.

"Dean, don't do this."

Castiel's words barely reached the hunter, the concern and... _purity_ of the angel's voice served no other purpose than to cause Dean's anger to flare. He raised the blade and smacked Castiel across the face with it. The force of the hit sent the angel flying across the room, crashing against the altar with a shuddering thump.

"You shouldn't be here," Dean growled, taking big, heavy steps to the stunned creature. He reached down to pull Castiel up by the collar of his coat and tossed the blade aside to focus his fist on the angel's face. Holding him up with one hand, Dean swung his fist back and forth, putting all his might into his punches. Castiel didn't even fight back. He couldn't; Dean was too strong. A smirk tugged at the hunter's lips as he reveled in his own power.

"Dean!" Sam continued to yell from the front of the church. Dean didn't care. Hardly noticed, really.

Nor did he notice the broken cries and whimpers of his victim. Castiel was almost unrecognizable to him, at that point. Partially due to the fact that he was covered in blood, yes, but mostly because all Dean saw before him was opportunity. The angel was no longer a living thing in his eyes, but an object. A chess piece. And Dean had already taken out the Queen, so why were there still other pieces on the board? He became lost in the bloodlust as he beat Castiel until he felt it was time to quit playing and finish the job. He knelt down to the angel's level and slipped his hand into Castiel's coat pocket, pulling out a long, silver blade. Not nearly as beautiful as his own, Dean thought, but necessary to kill this out of place being.

"Dean." It was a small, broken whisper, but it didn't fail to catch Dean's attention, for once. "Don't do this."

Dean glared down at the angel, holding the blade just centimeters from his chest. "Gimme one good reason."

Castiel breathed deeply, tears in his hopeless eyes as he gathered enough strength to form words. "I...," he shifted, groaning as Dean's nails broke the skin on the back of his neck. The pain Dean was causing him didn't deter Castiel from looking into his eyes with mercy and forgiveness, though the hunter had never asked for any of it. "I love you."

The words woke him up with a gasp. Rushes of color filled Dean's mind, forming images he knew he'd seen before but that didn't seem to exist just moments ago. He saw the angel approaching him in a barn, putting on a light show and revealing the striking shadow of his wings. He saw Castiel sitting beside him in a hospital, reassuring him of his goodness and strength. He recalled the scent of a barely coping Castiel in an apocalyptic future that never came to pass, his friend sticking beside him through thick and thin. He remembered every second of every day spent searching for the angel in purgatory. He heard himself plea with an entranced Castiel to stop beating him, because he was _family_. Because he _needed_ him.

And Dean came to the horrifying realization that he'd almost just killed the angel he'd once said he'd have died for.

"Cas." Dean dropped the blade, blinking at his hand like he'd just found a cancerous growth on his body. He held the angel's head in his hands like it was made of porcelain, wiping as much blood as he could from his face. "Cas," he whispered, rubbing a thumb back and forth on his friend's jaw in what he hoped was a soothing motion. "I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Dean dropped his head to Castiel's shoulder, wincing at the angel's groan. This was all his fault. Once again. He agreed to a stupid plan and it had almost gotten his best friend killed. _Idiot_ , he cursed himself.

"Dean, I... I won't be able to heal myself." Cas's struggle to speak coherently snapped Dean out of his solo pity party as he lifted his head.

"What do you mean? You've got your grace, you-"

Cas shook his head, his eyes squeezed so tightly in pain that Dean could hardly make them out amongst the rest of his battered face. "Not... enough... for both of us."

Dean bit his lip so hard it started to bleed. "No, no. No, you heal yourself. I don't need grace, Cas, I'm not injured. I'm fine, I-"

"Dean, I have to remove the mark from your arm," Castiel said, and there was no arguing with his tone. He'd made up his mind.

But Dean wouldn't stand for it.

"Just... just heal yourself, Cas. Please," he whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek and off his chin. "Please. I can't lose you. Not again. Please."

The startling and inappropriate sound of clapping echoed throughout the church, and Dean lifted his head to see none other than Metatron standing center stage behind the altar.

"Brilliant," the self-proclaimed God said, a wide smile spreading across his face. "This is the best scene from my script I've witnessed come to life thus far. Outstanding, gentlemen, really." Metatron stepped down and approached the pair on the floor, reaching out a hand towards Castiel.

Dean's eyes flickered back down to Cas for a moment as he brought him closer to himself. "Don't you touch him, you son of a bitch!"

Metatron smiled and shook his head, gesturing at the suffering angel in Dean's arms. "You're assuming I want to hurt one of my finest characters." The chuckle he let out made Dean want to pick up the blade again and slaughter the dick, himself be damned. "Not so, Dean. The villain can't be defeated until much, much later. We haven't even reached the climax of the story yet!"

Dean snarled at the angel, clutching Castiel tightly to his chest. " _He's_ not a villain, you dick."

"Now, Dean," Metatron shook a finger at the hunter. "Never criticize a writer's work. I've chosen my characters and their purposes with care. It's all been very well thought out."

"It's called constructive criticism, douchebag!"

"Dean!" Sam's voice reached him from the other side of the building, and Dean turned his head. "Dean, he's right. The story has to play out, and Cas is a part of that story," the younger Winchester said pointedly. Dean could tell his brother had been struggling to free himself from the rope, and grimaced at the thought of what he might have done to him if Sam had tried to take him on earlier.

Smiling, Metatron nodded at Sam. "Very good, Sam. You should really have a bigger role in my script. But don't think I don't know what you're doing." He began to kneel beside Castiel, but didn't lose eye contact with Sam. "Of course, I'll heal Castiel, here, anyway," he said as he put a hand on the angel's shoulder. A bright light filled the room, causing Dean to shield his eyes with his arm. "Just don't underestimate me in the future, Sam. This story is far more complex than you realize."

The light died down, and Metatron disappeared with it. Dean put his arm down and blinked at the angel in his arms. The only indication that Cas had been near death just moments ago was the blood on his coat. Dean wrapped his arms tighter around him and squeezed him against his chest. "Cas, I'm sorry, I-"

"Dean, stop. Please. I need to rid you of the mark. Immediately." Castiel didn't sound angry so much as worried, like Dean's well-being was the most important thing, despite his previous actions, and the hunter couldn't even process that kind of forgiveness.

"You can do that? Without... dying, or something?" Dean raised a brow, searching the angel's eyes for certainty. If there was any chance Cas would be hurt in the process, Dean wouldn't have it.

"I can try. I'll have to use the last of my grace, but it'll work. I think."

Dean's mouth dropped open as guilt filled his gut and he began to feel sick. "You'll be human. Again."

"Yes," Castiel said, giving Dean a not quite reassuring smile. "If it works, I'll be human and you'll be..."

Dean nodded solemnly, no longer able to look Castiel in the eye. "I won't be the monster I let myself become."

Thinning his lips, Cas let out a deep breath. "Yes." He dropped his head against Dean's shoulder, bringing an arm up to cling to the hunter. "Dean, I'm doing this whether you like it or not." Pulling back, he waited for Dean to look at him before saying, "But I have to do something first."

Dean narrowed his eyes, and then, without any further explanation, Cas surged forward and his lips covered Dean's, and suddenly they were kissing and, _holy crap_ , Dean's mind was going crazy trying to keep up with what his friend's actions were telling him.

It was a sweet, chaste kiss at its start and Dean melted into it when his brain had finally processed enough to tell him that his feelings for Cas were not unrequited. The angel's hands found Dean's face and settled on his cheeks as his tongue slipped between the hunter's lips and set a new tone for the kiss. Before Dean could return the passion, Cas was pulling away and it was all over as he said, "Just in case."

Dean faintly noticed the feeling of two fingers on his right forearm and then there was nothing but excruciating pain, as though thousands of tiny scorpions were tearing their way out from under his skin. When the pain subsided, Dean caught a distraught look on Castiel's face before the angel fell forward into his arms. "Cas? Cas!" He lifted Castiel's head up, cursing the memory filling his mind of the time at April's he held Cas's lifeless face in his hands. "No, no, no. Cas, wake up."

Sam was at his side within seconds, having finally freed himself from the post. He laid a hand on Dean's shoulder and gently suggested checking for signs of breathing. Dean placed a hand in front of Castiel's face and released a huge sigh when he felt cool air on his knuckles. He nodded to his brother, who gave him a small smile. "He just needs to sleep it off," Sam said.

While gathering the supplies they'd entered the church with hours ago, Sam told Dean to take Cas to the car.

"We need to clean this place up, Sammy. We got the gory details of the almost-Queen-of-Hell's death all ov-"

"I'll take care of it, Dean. This place is going down in flames. Get Cas out of here," the younger Winchester said as he pulled a matchbox from the duffel bag that hung off his shoulder. "I'll be out in a few."

Dean nodded and picked Cas up, holding him close enough that he could feel his breath against his neck as he carried him out bridal style to the Impala.

Sam didn't protest when Dean elected to sit in the back with the sleeping angel. Or human, they supposed. They'd have to wait until Cas awoke to find out.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean hated waiting.

He had never been a particularly patient guy, that was no news to anyone. Lines? He hated them. Research? Eating nothing but salad for a week was less of a punishment. Traffic? There was a reason they always took back roads. But all the infuriating hours Dean had spent waiting throughout his life paled in comparison to watching Cas lie motionless on the couch in one of the bunker's living rooms.

"It's been too long, Sam," the hunter said as he paced back and forth on the floor, his teeth biting at the backs of his knuckles. He stopped walking to look expectantly at his brother.

Sam looked up from the Game of Thrones book he'd been reading and frowned at the hunter. "It's been half an hour since we got back, Dean." He shut the book with a loud clap that made Dean jump and glare at him. "I think he'll be out until tomorrow. We should all hit the hay, really. Worrying isn't gonna help anyone."

Dean sighed and sat on the arm of the couch Castiel was sleeping on. "I know," he said, running his gaze over his friend's resting body. His friend who he'd almost killed a few hours ago. His friend who'd kissed him just moments before collapsing against him and having not moved since.

Sam was at Dean's side before the hunter even noticed, the firm hand on his shoulder shaking him from his thoughts. "So...," Sam said, "he really shouldn't be here all night."

Dean blinked until he could tear his gaze away from Cas and look up at his brother. "Where should he be, then, Sam?"

Pulling his hand away from his brother, Sam scratched at the back of his neck. "Uh, I figure he should sleep in your room." He didn't seem embarrassed about what he was implying, but he didn't look Dean in the eye.

Raising a brow, Dean's voice cracked as he asked incredulously, "My room? In my bed? With m-"

"Yeah, Dean," Sam sighed, "with you. Look, I was in that church, too. I saw everything. And there's not a doubt in my mind that, when Cas wakes up, he's gonna want you to be there."

Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times before settling on silence and nodding to himself. He stood and moved to Cas's side, crouching down to slide his arms beneath him and lift him up. Before exiting the room, he glanced at his brother and put on the best smile he could manage. "Night, Sam."

"Goodnight, Dean. Let me know if you need anything when he wakes up."

Without the strength he once had from the mark coursing through his veins, Dean barely made the long walk down the halls of the bunker with Cas in his arms. He let out a puff of air when he finally set him down on his bed.

"Let's get this filthy coat off you," Dean mumbled, a somewhat endearing tone to his tired voice as he pushed the bloodied coat off Castiel's shoulders. He lifted his back with one hand and maneuvered the outerwear off of him, tossing it carelessly on the floor. Next, he pulled off his shoes and socks.

Once Cas was resting peacefully under the covers, Dean took his pajamas into the nearest bathroom, hoping that the presumably fallen angel wouldn't happen to wake while he was gone. He stripped and gave himself a quick cleanse with a washcloth, removing the lingering scent of violence from his worn out body. He smiled softly to himself when he ran the cloth over his right arm, the lack of the angry red mark there making him feel truly clean for the first time in months.

It was 2:17 in the morning when Dean finally settled on his bed beside Cas. He didn't feel comfortable sleeping under the covers with his friend-turned-whatever-the-hell-they-were just yet- or he at least wasn't sure that Cas would be okay with it, so he grabbed an extra blanket and drifted off atop the sheets.

The stirring of the body beside him woke Dean from his sleep around five hours later. The hunter rubbed his eyes lazily before recalling prior events and sitting up, reaching to turn on the light. "Cas?" He looked down at his friend, who was slowly blinking into consciousness, and leaned over him, bringing a hand up to caress the side of his face. "Hey, hey," he soothed, "it's okay. You're okay." He wasn't sure if he said it for Cas's benefit or his own. Cas was awake. Cas was _alive_. Dean heaved a sigh of relief. "You're okay, I'm here, Cas. I'm right here."

Castiel squinted at the hunter and frowned. "What?" The grogginess in his voice might have had Dean smiling if it hadn't reminded him of how broken he'd been back at the church.

"I'm sorry, Cas," he whispered. "I'm so sorry." He ran his fingers through Cas's hair, frowning.

"Who...," Castiel began, his frown only deepening, "Who are you?"

Dean's heart sank into his chest. "You...," he said, unable to form a full sentence. The lump in his throat grew bigger, until he felt like he might choke. "You don't remember?" _No_ , he thought. _Please, no. Not again. Not after everything that just happened. Not when you're not an angel anymore. I don't know how to fix that. I can't help you. No._

Cas brought a hand up to rub at his tired eyes, still frowning at Dean. "I don't... I don't remember anything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now the fun begins.
> 
> I've decided to update on the 15th as well as the 30th of each month (even though I missed this one by a day) 'cause otherwise I won't even have this done by the time season 10 starts.


	3. Chapter 3

_I don't remember anything_. The words echoed in Dean's mind, playing over and over again like a broken record he couldn't take the needle off of. His eyes threatened to water as he scooted away from Castiel, not wanting to make the confused man beside him uncomfortable.

This once again amnesiac Cas seemed more apologetic than troubled, and, oh, that was _just like_ Cas, the stupid bastard. Sorry for something that wasn't even his fault. If it weren't for the fact that Dean was on the verge of tears, he'd have rolled his eyes at the guy.

"You don't...," Dean began, sucking in a deep breath and shaking himself out of his worry. He needed to be strong. Cas needed him to be strong. He cleared his throat. "You don't remember anything, like at all?"

Narrowing his eyes for a moment before he shook his head, Cas apologized. "I wish I could say that I did, but... I'm sorry. I don't remember you... I don't even remember _me_."

Dean sighed and let his head hang in guilt. "Don't be sorry, it's not your fault. It's... it's mine."

"How is it yours?" Cas tilted his head, frowning at Dean. "What happened?"

"Long story," the hunter replied, looking away as he dragged a hand down his face. "B-but we'll get this sorted out, Cas. Like we always do. You, me, and Sam. We'll go through every book in that damn library if we have to until we find you a cure. You'll be okay. You'll get your memories back." _You_ have _to_ , he shouted in his mind. He wanted to scream. He wanted to punch a hole in the wall. He wanted to curl up on his bed and lay there forever. He wanted to kiss Cas again, to find comfort in his embrace again and tell him everything he felt about him, so he didn't miss his chance.

But he couldn't. And he had the sinking feeling that he _had_ missed his chance. Cas looked at him like he was insane, but he looked sorry all the same. He seemed like his normal self, but there was no recognition in his gaze. It took the man's stomach rumbling to get Dean to snap out of it. He sighed and shook his head, glancing at his bedroom door. "I should get you something to eat."

"You don't have to-"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do, Cas," Dean said as he rolled off the bed, grabbed his robe, and put it on. "I owe you that much. Just stay here, I'll be back with food before eight."

"I... wait!" Cas looking so utterly lost made Dean want to run as far away as possible from the guilt and hold him close at the same time. He could do neither. "Wait. I don't even know your name."

Dean thinned his lips and nodded solemnly before trying to give Cas a friendly smile. "It's Dean. Dean Winchester."

"Dean. Dean..." Castiel seemed to turn the word over in his mouth, as though it tasted familiar on his tongue but he couldn't quite place it. He frowned, dropping the topic from what Dean recognized as frustration and giving the hunter a small smirk. "And my name is... Cas? That's an odd name."

Dean knew he'd heard Cas say that before, and he stood silent in disbelief that it was happening again. Torn between laughing and breaking down, he held it together long enough to give Cas a light chuckle and make his way out of the room. As soon as the door was closed behind him, he leaned against the hallway and closed his eyes, a few tears escaping as the corners of his mouth turned down. He brought a hand to his mouth to keep from actually _crying_ out loud. He didn't do that. He never did that. He wasn't going to do that, he decided, and he began walking down the hall toward the kitchen.

Of course, early bird Sam was already up and making breakfast.

"Cas is up," Dean said, too tired to put any indicative tone into his words. He leaned against the counter, folding his arms over his chest.

Sam looked at Dean from the stove where he seemed to be making an omelet. He smiled. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Turning to face his brother, Sam raised his brows. "So?"

"So he doesn't remember, Sam."

"You mean... last night, or..." Sam frowned at his brother. "You mean anything at all?!" Dean nodded, trying not to show his heartache, but his expressionless face didn't get past the younger Winchester. "Dean, are you okay?"

Lifting his head to look Sam in the eye, Dean couldn't stop another tear from falling. "I look okay to you? I almost kill the guy, who tells me he loves me, and then fucking _kisses_ me, and now... Now he doesn't even know who I am. I... I'm not-" Sam cut the hunter off with a tight hug, which Dean briefly returned before pushing him away. "Cas needs breakfast."

Sam nodded, giving his brother a sympathetic look that made him feel absolutely pathetic, before turning back to the stove and picking up a spatula. "I'll make another one of these. You want one, too?"

"I'm not really feeling too hungry right now, Sam."

"Yeah, okay. Is he gonna come out here?"

Dean frowned. "Should he?" He imagined the amnesiac stumbling across some random occultic-looking shit throughout the bunker and shook his head. "This place might freak him out. _We_ might freak him out."

Sam shrugged as he folded the omelet and slid it onto a plate. "Then we keep him in the dark. Don't bring up anything about the supernatural, and limit the areas of the bunker he steps foot in. But maybe seeing parts of the bunker will help him remember."

Dean doubted it, and he hated the idea of confining Cas to a few rooms and not telling him anything, like he was some sort of captive. "You think he won't know something's going on? He might not remember, but he's still _Cas_. He's not an idiot."

"I know, Dean, but," Sam set the plate on the counter, "like you said, we don't want him to freak out. He doesn't remember anything, and this time he doesn't have his power to give him proof of the supernatural. We try telling him what he is... was..."

"We'll look nuts," Dean nodded, "and he might try to leave."

Pointing at the plate beside him, Sam told Dean to take Cas's breakfast to the table and bring him out. "I'll be down there in a few minutes."

"Hey, so...," Dean started as he entered his room. Upon realizing Cas had fallen back asleep, he walked to his side by the bed and gently shook his shoulders. "Hey, hey. Wake up, Cas."

The man stirred and squinted in the lamplight. "What?"

"S'time for breakfast," Dean told him, "and you have to meet my brother. Uh, again."

Cas closed his eyes and nodded tiredly, lifting himself from the mattress with his elbows. "We were all close, you and your brother and I?"

A small, wistful smile showed itself on Dean's face before flickering away. "Yeah. Pretty close." He sighed, moving away from the bed and gesturing at the door. "He's made you breakfast, c'mon."

Castiel smiled bashfully as he pushed the covers off of himself. "That was very kind of him." He tilted his head once he was on his feet, asking Dean, "What is your brother's name?"

"Sam," Dean stated. And, wow, it hurt even more having to tell him that. Especially when he considered that Cas had always known their names, as an angel. No introduction was ever needed. He blinked himself out of his thoughts and made an "after you" motion. He followed Cas out of the door, holding his breath. Once they had taken a few steps into the hallway, Dean let out a huff of air and shook his head. "Sorry, Cas. This must be... this has gotta be hard, man."

Shooting him a frown, Cas stopped Dean in his tracks with a firm hand on the shoulder. "Why do you keep apologizing? Dean, what is it you're not telling me?" He squinted at the hunter and sighed, looking to the walls as though they held the secrets of his forgotten life. "This... this memory loss, it's... frustrating, yes. But not nearly as frustrating as being lied to about it."

Dean winced with guilt, but shook his head as he shrugged out of Cas's grasp. "No. You're not ready to know about it, I'm sorry. You need to learn who you are- and who _we_ are, before you learn what happened. Trust me." He looked Castiel in the eye and lifted his brows. "Do you trust me?"

"You're all I have right now," Cas said with a troubled look of realization. "I suppose I have no choice but to trust you." He ran his gaze over Dean's face again and again, then smiled. "You seem like a good man, Dean. And I feel... safe with you. Comfortable, even. I just don't understand why you won't..."

Dean clasped a hand down on Castiel's shoulder. "I know. I know, Cas." He dropped his hand and turned back to the hallway. "Let's just get some food in your system before you faint on me again, alright?"

Following as Dean led him down the hall, Cas spoke with amusement behind the hunter. "I fainted on you?"

Dean chuckled at Cas's apparent satisfaction from the notion and said, "Yeah, you did."

"That's, um..." Cas seemed to be suppressing laughter, which Dean told himself not to get too excited about. Figures, the one time the guy actually _laughs_ , he doesn't even know Dean well enough for him to be able to comment on it. Cas cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, that must have been traumatic, given that we were close."

Rolling his eyes, Dean shook his head as he turned the corner and entered the dining room. "Cas, you've gotta stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault."

"I'm... um..." Cas quieted down and took a seat on the chair Dean had pulled out for him. "Okay."

"Okay," Dean sighed, then chuckled as he sat down right next to him. "Man, you... you never change. No matter what happens to that brain of yours, there are just some things that..." The hunter trailed off when he noticed his brother entering the room. "Hey, Sammy."

Cas looked up at the younger Winchester and offered him a shy smile. "Hello, Sam. Dean tells me we're... close."

Looking a lot less concerned than Dean felt, Sam raised his brows and let out a light huff as he sat down with his plate. "Yeah, we've been friends for quite a while. Hey, Castiel."

Turning to Dean, Cas frowned. "I thought you said my name was 'Cas'?"

A small smile tugged at the corner of Dean's mouth as he nodded. "It is, sorta. It's your nickname. Nickname _I_ gave you, actually," the hunter realized, and he wasn't sure how to feel about that as he looked at yet another broken version of his friend. But, as he'd been saying earlier, Cas was still always _Cas_. And that was comfort enough for Dean to make it through each conversation he had with the amnesiac. "Your full name really is Castiel, we just, uh, don't call you by that much around here, I guess."

"That's even more odd than 'Cas', isn't it?" the man asked with a quirked brow. "It sounds otherworldly. Were my parents... spiritual?"

Sam let out an amused huff. "Something like that, yeah." He pointed at the plate in front of the unwittingly fallen angel. "Egg and cheese omelet. All organic," he said.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Health nut."

Cas nudged Dean in the shoulder with his elbow, telling him not to be rude just like everything between them was normal and as it should be, and Dean had to bite back a grimace. "Thank you, Sam."

After finishing breakfast, Dean showed Cas to the shower room and left him with a fresh set of clothes. _Dean's_ clothes, and he'd be damned if he said he wasn't eager to see Cas wearing them. "Me and Sam'll be in the library you saw earlier. Don't get lost on your way back." It was more of an order than a warning. Dean wasn't sure how he'd explain the shooting range or dungeon to Cas if he stumbled upon them.

Nodding, Cas gave Dean a mildly insulted frown. "I won't get lost," he said. "What will you be doing in that library?"

Dean ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "We're gonna try and find a way to get you your memories back."

Raising a skeptical brow, Cas asked how that could be accomplished through books. "Are you searching for natural remedies?" he wondered.

"Something like that."

It was nearly half an hour later when Cas turned up in the library. Dean looked up from his book and smirked at the man. "You sure take your time in the shower, don't you?"

Cas looked away and smiled to himself, taking in the vastness of the room as he explained that he "appreciated the water pressure".

"Right?" Dean smiled. He ran his gaze up and down Castiel's body and swallowed hard as he caught sight of the way his old AC/DC t-shirt was slipping off one of his shoulders. The jeans he'd given him were a relatively unused pair that had been a little too tight on the hunter. They hugged Cas's hips just perfectly. Dean licked his lips as the sound of Cas asking if he could help barely registered in his mind.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Sam said, slamming a book closed and startling Dean out of his fantasies. _Damn it_ , Sam really needed to stop doing that.

Before Cas could ask why he couldn't help, Dean stood and gestured at the hall. "You wanna watch something or anything?"

Narrowing his eyes at the hunter, Cas asked, "Will you be with me?" He seemed hesitant to be alone, and Dean sympathized with him, knowing he must be holding back a lot of fear concerning all his uncertainty. Dean shot a questioning look at his brother.

"Go on, Dean. I'll keep doing this for now," Sam said. "You can use the TV in my room."

They settled on Looney Tunes once they'd gotten comfortable on Sam's bed. Cas seemed relieved not to have to sit on anymore wooden chairs, and Dean made a mental note to invest in more comfortable furniture.

By lunchtime, Cas was hungry again and Dean was starving, having skipped breakfast. He took Cas into the kitchen to make some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, recalling Sam saying something about how much Cas liked them.

"This bunker is... spacious, to say the least," Cas noted, surveying the kitchen with interest.

Dean hummed in agreement, handing a plate to Castiel and silencing his questions about the place before he could get them out. "Let's get back to those good old cartoons, huh?"

Cas dropped the issue and nodded with a grin. "I quite like those animations. There seems to be quite a few metaphorical-"

"No, Cas, there aren't," Dean chuckled.

"Have I... have we had this conversation before?"

"Sorta, yeah." Dean pat his friend on the back and led him back into Sam's room, where they watched a few more cartoons before switching to Doctor Sexy. Cas didn't seem to enjoy the show half as much, but he was watching Dean with enough interest that the hunter was almost relieved when Sam came in and announced that it was about time for dinner.

Dean prepared his famous burgers while listening to Sam and Cas's conversation in the other room with a smile.

"So, how are you feeling, Cas?"

"Much better than when I woke up. Thank you, Sam."

"That's, uh, good. Sorry you don't remember... anything. That must be-"

"Dean says you shouldn't be sorry for something that isn't your fault."

Dean bit back a chuckle in the kitchen and shook his head.

"Uh, right," Sam laughed. "I just meant I... I sympathize with you. I wish you weren't going through this right now."

"So do I." There was a pause and Dean almost burned one of the patties as he waited for someone to say something. "How close were your brother and I?"

Dean froze, spatula in hand, and gulped as he awaited his brother's answer.

"Pretty damn close, Cas. Like, I think you were closer to him than anyone else you knew."

"I can sense it."

"I'm not too surprised. You always said you had a 'profound bond'."

"That sounds... intense."

Dean nodded to himself as he flipped another patty and started preparing one of the burgers. "Yup," he mumbled.

"I guess it is pretty intense. Or... was," Sam said.

"Do you think we'll ever be that way again? I feel like... I miss it, although, in my mind, I've never had it."

"We're doing everything we can to figure that out, Cas. Believe me."

Dean tuned out as he focused on the food. His mind wandered, producing scenes of a possible future in which Cas never remembers and they have to start from square one. It'd taken them over 5 years to get to... _the kiss_ , Dean remembered. It played over and over in his mind, teasing him with what was and what may never be again. Dean recalled how confused Cas had been when he'd woken up just 12 hours prior. He knew he needed to be strong, to remain hopeful in front of a man so uncertain. So, he resolved to shove his feelings down and fake it til he made it. Or til Cas got his memories back.

"You're in luck," Dean announced with his best grin as he carried a tray of burgers into the other room. "Best burgers on the planet, right here." He set them down in the middle of the table and took a seat next to Cas, giving the man a wink and grabbing a burger for himself.

"I actually have to agree with you on that, Dean," Sam said, eagerly taking a burger and chomping into it with a smile.

As Cas took his first bite, he practically moaned around the burger. "This is... truly amazing, Dean."

Dean beamed, his heart skipping a beat, and his brain _definitely not_ dwelling on that moan.

"So," Castiel said after swallowing his second bite, "I want to know more about you both. And myself. How did we all meet?" He glanced from Dean to Sam and then back to the burger in his hand, bringing it to his lips again.

Dean shot a panicked look at Sam, who frowned at the hunter.

"Uh, my brother was in a bit of trouble, and you helped him out," the younger Winchester supplied. "I met you shortly after that."

"What kind of trouble?"

Dean smirked. "I was going through hell, and you pulled me out of it."

Cas squinted at the hunter, then looked to Sam. "Was it my job? Am I a... a lawyer or... something?"

"Or something, yeah," Sam said with a smile.

Frowning, Cas shifted his gaze to Dean. "And what was your issue?"

Dean took a deep breath. This game was getting tiring. "I, uh... I did something bad to save my brother, and it got me-"

"Locked up?"

"Yeah, you could say that," Dean said.

"Did you kill someone?" Cas asked, like it was no big deal. As though the mere knowledge of their supposed friendship was enough to make him trust the hunters, regardless of what he discovered about them.

"I... no? I was uh... I made a deal that got me into a lot of trouble."

Cas nodded. "I see. It's alright if you don't feel comfortable telling me everything, given that I am somewhat of a stranger to you in my current state."

"You know we don't want to lie to you or anything, Castiel," Sam said. "We just aren't sure how much of this... information is necessary."

Dean nodded, putting a warm hand on Cas's shoulder. "We don't wanna overwhelm you."

"I... understand." Cas frowned, looking Dean in the eye. "Where will I be sleeping tonight?"

Dean's mouth opened and closed a few times before he dropped his hand and asked, "W-where do you _want_ to sleep?"

"I must admit, I... I feel comfortable with you, Dean." Cas seemed to be choosing his words carefully, like he didn't want to freak Dean out. Which, of course, the hunter thought was just about the cutest thing ever. "You make me feel... safe. Something about you is familiar, even though I can't remember you. I'd like...," Cas bit his lip then, which sent something like electricity down Dean's spine. "I'd like to sleep with you, Dean."

Sam just about choked on his burger as Dean blushed and chuckled at Castiel's poor choice of words. "Alright, Cas. Alright," he said, beaming.


	4. Chapter 4

Waking up next to Cas was quickly becoming one of Dean's favorite things, even if he couldn't tell the guy. He'd slept in his pajamas, while the man beside him had kept the AC/DC shirt but traded his jeans for sweats. Castiel had insisted on Dean sleeping under the covers with him. "You don't need to feel out of place in your own room just because of me," he'd told him. The hunter smiled at the memory, shifting closer to Cas before squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his teeth. _He doesn't know me_ , he reminded himself. _He isn't ready for that_. Dean forced the covers off his body with a quick swat and rolled out of bed.

"Dean?" a lazy voice asked from the other side of the mattress he'd abandoned.

Dean mumbled something about needing to shower before grabbing some clothes and rushing out the door. _Sorry, Cas._ He hated himself for leaving him like that, but, God _damn it_ , staying in bed with the man he loved who _could't even remember him_ would have driven Dean mad. He needed to destress. And if that meant jerking off in the shower, so be it. And if thoughts of Cas snuck their way into those fantasies, well… it wouldn't be the first time, now, would it?

It was past nine when Dean returned to his room, expecting to find a sleeping Castiel in his bed.

His bed was empty.

"Cas?" Dean tossed his pajamas on the floor and scanned the room again, as though he could have missed him the first time. "Damn it," he muttered, grabbing his jacket and leaving the room.

He found the fallen angel in the bunker's library, standing in front of some weapon on display. He seemed to sense Dean's presence without looking up from the sword as he said, "This bunker is full of… some very interesting things."

Nodding, Dean set his jacket on a nearby table and walked to Castiel's side. "You're not wrong."

Finally turning to meet Dean's gaze, Cas cocked his head to the side and asked, "What else might I find here?"

"Nothing," Dean said, "'cause we're going out for breakfast."

Squinting at the hunter before sighing, Castiel stepped away from the weapon and nodded. "Of course. You don't want me to wander around here on my own, I understand."

"You do?" Dean asked doubtfully.

"There are…," Cas took a deep breath as he looked up at the ceiling and around the walls, "…quite a few mysteries to this place. I assume that you don't want me to learn what I once knew, in case it impacts my view of you and your brother this time around."

Dean let out a light chuckle and pat his friend on the back, urging him toward the hall. "Has it impacted your view of us thus far?"

"I believe you're both kind, trustworthy men," Cas said, following the hunter out of the room. "And I believe you're hiding something from me. Something you fear is too great a burden for me to bear in my current state." He sighed, turning down the hall with Dean and offering him a small smile. "If you truly believe it's best that I not know, I… I trust you, Dean."

Taking a deep breath, Dean nodded and pointed down the hall. "Let's get you dressed and get the hell outta here."

As Castiel changed into more of Dean's clothing, the hunter found Sam in the main room and told him they were going out.

"Like, for the whole day, or what?"

Dean shrugged. "For breakfast, at least. We'll, uh… we'll call if we stay out later." He shifted his attention to the map his brother had been gazing at. "Any luck on the search for Crowley?"

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Sam shook his head, looking back down at the map before him. "His last confirmed location was somewhere in Montana, doing God knows what."

"You think the new so-called 'God' really does know?" Dean gestured at the map. "What if they're working together or something?"

Sam frowned. "What the hell would Crowley wanna work with _him_ for?"

"I wouldn't rule it out," Dean suggested.

"Who is Crowley?"

The Winchesters looked up in unison to find Castiel standing in the middle of the room wearing a concerned frown.

"Trouble," Dean muttered, nodding at his brother before moving to Cas's side. "Let's get some grub, yeah?"

"Alright," the man surrendered.

"See you later, Sam," Dean called, leading Cas up the stairs. His brother mumbled something of a goodbye before the door closed behind them.

Dean hadn't had the Impala's radio on for more than five seconds before Castiel turned to him with narrowed eyes and asked if there was anything else they could listen to. The hunter raised his eyebrows as he glanced at him from the side. "Excuse me? Dude, this is AC/DC. They were on your t-shirt yesterday."

"I borrowed _your_ t-shirt because I had nothing else to wear. That doesn't mean I am fond of your music choices."

Grabbing Cas's hand and guiding it to the dial, Dean said, "Make your own music choices, then." He rolled his eyes when the man paused on a gospel station. "Figures," he muttered.

"I haven't settled on this one, yet, Dean," Cas said. "I'm… deciding how I feel about it."

Dean nodded, wondering if his friend could sense some sort of spiritual pull, if the mention of heaven brought any amount of familiarity to the fallen angel. He glanced over to catch a reflective look on Castiel's face before the man continued to search the radio for a song he'd enjoy.

When he came across some boring, classical piano melody, Cas folded his hands in his lap, and Dean frowned at his taste in music. "Dude, really?"

"What's wrong with this one, Dean?" Cas sighed.

"Uh, besides the fact that it's boring as hell? There aren't even words, man."

Cas tilted his head toward the hunter pointedly. "I don't particularly feel like singing, anyway. I'm not even sure I'd remember any songs if I wanted to."

Dean chuckled, pulling into the parking lot of an old diner. "Not sure you even _know_ any songs, anyway."

"You never heard me sing?" Cas asked as he unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door, meeting Dean's gaze over the hood of the Impala. "Before, I mean."

Shaking his head, Dean shut his door before walking toward the diner's entrance. "Nope. Not once." He held his arm out and waved for Cas to catch up to him. "C'mon let's get you some…" He held his breath a moment when the man fit into his embrace, his arm coming to rest behind Castiel's back. "...Let's get you some breakfast."

Dean didn't even take the menus their smiling, middle-aged waitress handed him. He smiled at the woman, shaking his head as he pointed at Castiel, who'd taken a seat across from him. "He's trying the pancakes."

With a nod, the waitress looked from Dean to Castiel and back to Dean. "And for you, hon?"

"Eggs scrambled, bacon, and a coffee," he replied with a smile. "And, y'know what? Make those pancakes chocolate chip, if that's on the menu."

"That hardly sounds like a nutritious-"

"Trust me, Cas," Dean interrupted as the waitress nodded and walked off, "they're good for the soul."

Castiel's skeptical frown had the hunter on the verge of laughter. He shook his head, a fond smirk forming at the corner of his mouth. "Maybe Sammy shoulda taken you out, instead."

"He's more health-conscious, your brother?"

Dean chuckled. "A bit, yeah."

"Tell me more about him. I gather you're older?"

"By four years," Dean nodded. "He's a nerd."

A small smile crossed Castiel's face as the waitress brought their plates to them. "Thank you," he said, then turned to Dean. "You like to pick on your little brother."

"I really do, sometimes, yeah," the hunter replied. He picked up his fork and used it to point at Cas's plate. "Eat up." Dean watched, a twinkle in his eye as the man before him took his first bite. Only after Castiel's eyes widened with joy did the hunter dig into his own meal. "Good, right?"

Cas licked a drop of syrup from the corner of his mouth and nodded. " _Very_ good. Almost as good as PB  & J."

With a snort, Dean picked up a piece of bacon. "'Almost'?"

"Almost," Castiel repeated with a teasing smirk that made Dean's stomach do a somersault.

The hunter frowned and averted his gaze to his plate. "Don't do that," he muttered.

"Don't do what?"

"Never mind. Finish your breakfast," Dean ordered, "before I decide to help you out."

Castiel put a protective arm around his plate. "Don't you dare, Dean."

Dean chuckled and returned his attention to his food, looking up at an unsuspecting Cas every now and then.

It wasn't too surprising when Castiel said he'd rather stay out than be trapped back in the bunker. Dean gave Sam a call to let him know they were staying out before turning on the car and asking Cas where he wanted to go.

"Somewhere… interesting."

"Interesting by whose standards?"

"...Mine? You know me well enough to know what I'd enjoy, right?" Castiel gave Dean a pointed look and turned the radio on as he settled back into his seat. Glancing out the window, something caught the man's attention and Dean leaned over to see what it was.

A stray tabby cat was stepping out from a nearby bush. Castiel's eyes were fixed on it, a childlike smile on his face.

Dean grinned and backed out of the parking lot. He had an idea.

"Where are we going?" Cas tore his gaze away from the cat and frowned at the hunter.

Shaking his head, Dean took off down the road. "Ah, ah. Trust me. It's a surprise."

Cas folded his hands in his lap and quieted down, and Dean caught a frustrated look of curiosity on his face each time he glanced over.

When they arrived at their destination, the fallen angel narrowed his eyes and stepped out of the car. "A pet store?"

"Yup. You seem to like animals…," Dean scratched the back of his neck and moved to Castiel's side. "I dunno…"

With a fond smile and a nod, Cas began walking toward the entrance. "I believe I do."

Dean sucked in a breath as they walked through the doors. more taken aback by the man's smile than he'd expected to be.

"Where should we start?" Cas asked, peering across the store and back at Dean.

Shrugging, the hunter pointed at a suspended sign. "There're birds over there…" Something about taking a fallen angel to see a bunch of winged animals felt wrong, but Dean figured the amnesiac wouldn't make the connection. As he made his way to the aisle, he found himself slipping an arm around Cas's waist and clenched his jaw when he realized what he'd done. "Sorry," he mumbled, letting his arm fall to his side and cursing himself in his mind.

"It's alright, Dean, it's...," Castiel looked up as he searched for words, "comforting."

Dean blushed, staring wide-eyed at his amnesiac friend as they came to stand in front of a caged bird. "Yeah?" he asked, blinking and dropping his gaze to the winged animal before them. It was beautiful, fluffing its blue feathers and cocking its head at the hunter. Dean wondered what Castiel's wings looked like. _Or used to look like_ , he remembered. He'd only ever caught the dark shadow of the former angel's wings, and, as he realized he'd never have the opportunity to see what had once been such a fundamental part of Castiel, he shook his head and looked away from the bird.

"Yes," Castiel said with a smile. It dragged Dean out of his funk enough to bring a smile to the hunter's face before he shook his head and pointed to the aisle across from them.

"Birds are lame, let's check out the hamsters or something," Dean said, already beginning to walk away. And he'd been worried the birds would upset Cas. _Ha!_

"A-alright," Castiel mumbled confusedly, following closely behind and turning his head to catch a brief glimpse of the caged bird.

"Cute, huh?" Dean said when Cas caught up to him and looked down at the guinea pigs trapped behind glass. He couldn't care less about the damn rodents, really, but the way Castiel's eyes lit up at the sight made Dean's heart flutter.

"They are... adorable." Castiel's gaze snapped up to Dean. "Can we get one?"

Dean coughed and blinked at his friend. "What?"

Blushing, Castiel smiled tentatively as he repeated, "Can we get one?"

"Uh...," Dean said, reaching up to scratch the back of his head as he shot a hesitant look at the guinea pigs before them. "I mean, I dunno what we'd do with it."

Castiel nodded and looked away. "Of course. I'm sorry I asked," he said. "It wasn't my place. The bunker is your home, not mine."

Laying a gentle hand on Cas's shoulder, Dean told him, "It _is_ your home, Cas. Or, I mean, it was gonna be before you... before you lost your memory. It still can be, if you want it to be."

Castiel smiled. "I want it to be." He frowned, looking down at the hand on his shoulder before meeting Dean's gaze again.

"What if I never regain my memory? I don't want to burden you."

Dean clenched his jaw, the mere thought of Castiel never remembering him, never recalling that kiss, never looking at him the same way, terrifying, saddening, and angering him all at once. But, goddamnit, if Cas went the rest of his life without ever regaining his memory, Dean would be there. He'd take care of him to his dying day, he decided. "I will _never_ see you as a burden, Cas. You understand me?" Castiel's head lowered as a small, bashful smile crept onto his face and Dean smirked. "Now, guinea pigs on the other hand," he said, "that's a burden I just can't bear." When Cas laughed, Dean found himself struggling to breathe. "Moving on," he announced, turning to march into another aisle in an exaggerated fashion and grinning as his friend's laughter increased. _He's_ never _laughed like that_ , Dean realized. He wondered if the fallen angel would ever laugh like that again if he got his memory back. Was this really Cas? Would the real Cas ever be this... happy with him?

"What next?" Castiel asked, at Dean's side once again and startling him out of his thoughts. Dean didn't have time to answer before Cas spotted several cages lined up against the wall and decidedly took Dean's hand to lead him there. "Here."

Dean glanced warily at the animals in front of them. "I'm sort of al-" He was cut off by his own sneeze. When Cas whipped his head around to look at Dean with furrowed brows, the hunter had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing. "I'm sort of allergic to cats."

"That's very unfortunate," Castiel said somberly, earning a chuckle from Dean. "Don't you wish you weren't?"

Dean shrugged, watching as Cas crouched down beside a cat and stuck his fingers through the cage, scratching its ear. "I dunno," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning back on his heels. "I'm not real into cats, anyway."

Shooting him a skeptical frown, Cas gestured for Dean to join him beside the cage. "Look at him," he said. "This animal is... so important, Dean. All of them are." He stood, arms at his sides, when he realized Dean wasn't going to get any closer to the cause of his allergy. "They need to be taken care of," Cas continued, glancing down at the blue-eyed Bengal and offering it an apologetic smile. "It is our responsibility to look after creatures like these... that are helpless."

Helping the helpless. Yeah, Dean nodded, that was pretty much his job. But, cats? He was pretty sure they could take care of themselves. A certain amnesiac, fallen angel was the helpless creature Dean was fixing his attention on.

It took a good 20 minutes for Dean to drag Cas away from the cat. He'd shown interest in all the felines there, but the Bengal had seemed to capture his heart. Dean entertained the thought of bringing the damn thing back with them, but convinced Cas to leave the store before he could cave. Castiel actually _apologized_ to the cat and joined Dean with a frown.

Even as they got into the car, Cas's lip was protruding in a pathetic little pout and Dean decided as he drove that, _damn it_ , he was gonna have to go back and adopt that cat, allergy be damned. "Not yet," he mumbled under his breath as they drove up to the bunker.

"What, Dean?"

"Hm?" Dean snapped his jaw shut and frowned. "Nothing."

"You're gonna do _what_?!" Sam asked upon Dean revealing his plan, his voice sounding genuinely shocked if not maybe a little concerned for his brother's sanity. "You...," he stopped talking as Cas passed by the hallway, only resuming when their friend turned away from the library. "Dude, you're allergic to cats."

Dean rolled his eyes, leaning against the table Sam sat at and crossing his arms. "I'm aware of that, Sammy."

Sam huffed, gesturing at the room with one hand and running the other through his hair. "So, what, we're just gonna let it roam free in the bunker?"

"I guess," Dean shrugged. "I'll go out to get dinner and bring it back with me."

Sam sighed, closing his eyes. "There's... no... talking you out of this, is there?" he said hopelessly.

"Nope."

Both Dean and Sam had to convince Cas to stay at the bunker when Dean announced that he was going out to get dinner. Their unsuspecting friend had wanted to "spend more time with Dean", he'd said, which, _crap_ , that just made the hunter's heart melt. Dean told Castiel that Sam had wanted to talk to him anyway, and left without giving his poor brother any warning.

"Thanks, Dean," Sam muttered as his brother left the room. He turned to an expectant Cas and nodded. "Uh, yeah, he's right. I wanted to talk about, um..."

"Are you going to tell me more about you and your brother?" Castiel asked, taking a seat across from the younger Winchester at a table in the library.

"We've decided that's not a good idea, remember?" Sam said as he pulled out a chair and sat down.

"Will you tell me more about myself, then?"

Sam gave his friend an apologetic smile. "That probably wouldn't be a good idea, either."

Cas let out a frustrated sigh and narrowed his eyes at Sam. "Then what did you want to talk about?"

"Uh...," Sam stalled, staring blankly at the mounted weaponry on the wall behind Castiel. "Um..." He shifted in his seat, finally meeting Cas's inquisitive stare upon deciding a good topic of conversation. "You and Dean."

Frowning, Cas tilted his head at the statement. "Me and Dean...?"

Sam cleared his throat and straightened his posture. "You know how I said you and Dean were really close? That you had a 'profound bond'?" Cas nodded. "Well, it's a little more, uh... _more_ than that."

Castiel dropped his head in a deep nod, mouth opening slightly as he gazed down at the table. "We're... lovers."

Nearly choking on his spit, Sam shook his head and leaned forward uncomfortably. "No, no. God, no," he said quickly. "I mean, maybe you would've been, but... no. You... you kissed him for the first time just before you passed out."

Cas snapped his gaze up to Sam. "I did?"

"Yeah, you guys... you guys had been friends for years and then... I dunno, I guess you fell in love? But it's... it's killing my brother to have to hold back after finally getting to that point in your relationship where you... where you, uh..."

"Kiss," Cas supplied.

"Something like that, yeah. And I just... I'm worried about him. I mean, believe me, Cas, we will do everything we can to get your memory back, but..."

"If it doesn't work...," Cas nodded.

Sam bit his lip, nodding and looking up at his friend. "If it doesn't work... I don't know how he'll-"

"I believe I am capable of falling in love with him again, Sam. He's...," Cas smiled, looking up as he recalled the man's arm around his waist earlier that day. "He makes me happy, even though this... this uncertainty is uncomfortable and... terrifying, at times." He looked back at Sam and decided, "I want to be here with him- and with you, for as long as I can. And I believe that, as time passes, I'll only grow to want to kiss Dean more."

Sam stared across the table in disbelief for a moment before shaking his head and smiling. "You two... I swear."

The corner of Cas's mouth twitched as he raised a brow and asked, voice low and suspicious, "What?"

"You're just... I dunno," Sam chuckled, leaning back against his chair. "You're kind of grossly in love."

"You find it gross?"

With an amused huff, Sam shook his head. "No, Cas, it's an expression." He winced before adding, "But if you ever _do_ get together and I have to hear it, yeah, it'll be gross."

Cas frowned. "By 'get together' you mean... having sex."

"Yeah," Sam coughed. "Uh, yeah." Eager to change the subject, the younger Winchester gestured at the pile of books in front of him. "I've been reading as much as I can trying to get this memory thing figured out." He covered the title of the top book, not wanting to draw any suspicion from the fallen angel by letting him see a book on angels. "It's not... I haven't been very successful, Cas. I'm sorry."

"It isn't your fault, Sam," Cas reminded. "And, as frustrating as it is, I can't miss the memories I don't have."

Sam nodded. "Sure, sure...," he agreed, letting out a deep sigh. "But it'll kill Dean if we don't get this fixed."

Cas thinned his lips. "I don't want to hurt Dean."

"He's already hurting, Cas," Sam sighed, hoping word of this conversation wouldn't get back to his brother. Dean would kill him. "He's just doing all he can to hide it from you."

"Why?" Cas asked with a frown.

Sam shrugged. "He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable."

Castiel looked reflective for a moment before furrowing his brows and frowning at Sam. "But we're friends."

"Are you?" Sam asked. "Does he really know that? He thinks that since you don't remember him, you can't feel close to him. He doesn't know where the boundaries are."

"He put his arm around me today," Castiel said suddenly, a small smile forming on his face. "When we were walking into the diner. I don't know if he meant to, but... I liked that."

Sam smiled softly at his friend and nodded. "Good, that's uh... that's good."

It was quiet for a few moments before Castiel told Sam about his time at the pet store, smiling fondly at the memory and laughing as he recalled Dean marching out of an aisle. Sam grinned when the fallen angel brought up the cat, but pretended to know nothing of it.

It was nearly 6:30 PM when the bunker's door opened and Dean stepped in, announcing his arrival with a single word. "Pizza!"

Sam and Castiel looked up from their seats in the library as Dean made his way down the stairs and into the room, box in hand. He set it on the table and slid it over to his brother before winking and backing up toward the stairs once more.

"Dean?" Cas asked as Sam opened the pizza box. "Aren't you eating?"

"Forgot something," the hunter replied before turning to jog up the stairs and out the door. When he returned a minute later, Cas was halfway done with a slice of pizza and, luckily, didn't see him come in. He nodded to Sam, cradling the cat in his arms and trying not to sneeze as Sam coughed to get Cas's attention so Dean could sneak up behind him.

"What?" Castiel asked, licking his lips and glancing across the table.

"Surprise!" Dean said enthusiastically from behind the fallen angel, grinning when Cas turned around and immediately dropped his pizza in his lap.

"Dean!" Castiel's eyes widened at the cat in Dean's arms, the same blue-eyed Bengal he'd been so drawn to earlier that day. He smiled excitedly, shifting his gaze to Dean. "I don't understand..."

Dean was beaming as he held the feline out for Castiel to take. "He's yours."

Bringing the cat to his chest, Cas smiled up at Dean and shook his head. "You... you went back to get him."

"Yeah."

"Even though you're allergic," Cas realized with wide eyes.

"Yeah," Dean chuckled. Without thinking, he leaned down to kiss the side of Cas's forehead. He was about to apologize upon realizing what he'd done when the sound of Castiel's chair screeching across the floor caught his attention and suddenly Cas was hugging him. He'd set the cat down on the table and Sam had to pick it up to keep it from wandering away and getting lost. Dean closed his eyes as his friend's arms held him closely, sighing against Cas's cheek.

"Thank you, Dean," Cas said, and, _shit_ , was he _crying_?

Dean pulled back to look at the tears that had formed in Castiel's eyes, his smile so genuine it physically _hurt_ Dean to look at him and not be able to kiss him. "No problem, Cas." He brought a hand up to scratch the back of his neck. "I, uh, wasn't really expecting that reaction."

Cas laughed and wiped a stray tear from his cheek as he nodded. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Dean," he said. "You just... you've made me... very happy."

Blushing, Dean grinned back at his friend. "Good."

"So," Sam said upon clearing his throat, holding the cat out for Cas to take once more, "what are you gonna name it?"

Castiel looked down at the animal in his arms and frowned at it. "Balthazar," he decided after a moment. "I don't know why, but I want to name him Balthazar."

Sam shot his brother a look and Dean widened his eyes back at him.

"Such an odd name," Cas chuckled. "But no more strange than my own, I suppose." He frowned upon catching the exchange between the brothers. "What?" he asked, looking from Dean, to Sam, to Dean again. "Did I... Did I know someone named Balthazar?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, uh... he was a brother of yours."

"'Was'?" Cas asked, narrowing his eyes at the hunter as he stroked Balthazar's fur.

"He, uh...," Dean gave Cas a sympathetic look, "he died."

"What happened to him?"

"Not a good idea...," Sam spoke up and Cas turned to face him with a frustrated frown. "Sorry, Cas."

With a deep sigh, Cas shook his head and looked back at Dean. "How many siblings do I have?"

Dean let out an awkward chuckle and fidgeted with the hair at the back of his neck. "A lot," he said.

"Dean," Sam said, eager to distract Castiel from questions about himself, "you bought the cat food and stuff, too, right?"

Rolling his eyes, Dean dug his keys out if his pocket and turned to walk toward the stairs. "'Course I did. It's in the car."

Once the boys had set up Balthazar's litter box and food dish, they took the cat into Sam's room to marathon some Game of Thrones before Castiel yawned and asked if Dean was ready to sleep with him again.

"Hm?" Dean asked from beside his friend on Sam's bed, turning to look at Castiel and narrow his eyes at the cat in his lap.

"I'm tired," Cas said with a shrug.

Dean shot his grinning brother a glare and nodded at Castiel. "Alright, let's go." He stood from the bed and extended an arm for Cas to grab, pulling him up and sneezing. "Damn cat," he muttered.

Glancing down at the cat in his arms, Cas frowned before looking back up at Dean with big, pleading eyes. "Please don't make him sleep outside our room."

Dean nearly choked at the words. _Our room_ , he repeated in his mind. He liked that. A lot. _He doesn't mean it like that_ , Dean told himself. "Fine," he sighed, rubbing his eyes and turning toward the door, "he can sleep in our room." Dean grinned to himself as he made his way into the hall, his heart skipping a beat when he heard Castiel's footsteps following closely behind.

"Goodnight, Sam," the fallen angel called over his shoulder with a smile.

The sneezes Dean emitted echoed throughout the halls as he made his way to his room. His and _Cas's_ room. He smiled, not even caring about the effects of the newest addition to the family. In fact, he silently thanked the damn thing for making Cas so happy. That hug he'd given him had almost killed him. _Stop thinking about it_ , Dean warned himself. _It probably won't happen again_.

Castiel set Balthazar down on the bed as Dean shut the door and they proceeded to get into their pajamas with their backs turned away from each other. There was something so... normal about it, and Dean wished for about the hundredth time that day that it was the real Cas in his room, smiling at him as they climbed into bed together. It _hurt_. Why did it have to hurt? The hunter began to resent Cas for ever kissing him. Maybe if he hadn't crossed that line, it wouldn't hurt as much.

Dean didn't fall asleep until just after 4:00 AM, the worry keeping him up and absently petting the cat between him and Cas. By the time he'd finally shut his eyes, Castiel was shifting where he lay. Dean got about 15 minutes of sleep before Cas woke him with a scream. His eyes shot open and he reached to flip on the lamp as he sat up. "What? What, Cas, what's wrong?!"

Castiel sat up, squinting in the lamplight, sweat dripping down his forehead as he turned to look at Dean. His arms reached for the hunter and suddenly Cas was pulling him close. There was a muffled cry against Dean's shoulder before the fallen angel took quick, panicked breaths and mumbled, "Balthazar."

"What?" Dean brought a hand to Castiel's back and rubbed gently, glancing down at the cat that had made its way down to rest at the foot of the bed.

"I... I dreamt...," Cas sobbed, "I killed him."

Dean blinked, hesitating before asking, "The cat?" He knew the real Balthazar had died at Cas's hand, but thought better than to bring it up for fear that his friend would suspect the truth.

"No," Cas shook his head as he pulled himself closer to Dean. "No, he was human. He said my name," Cas mumbled between sniffles. "He said 'Cas' and then I... I..."

"Shhhhhh," Dean whispered, running a hand through Castiel's sweat-dampened hair.

"I stabbed him," Castiel said, his voice small. He looked up at Dean with wide eyes, and the hunter could _see_ the terror the poor guy felt. "Y-you said my brother died. Was... W-was he... Did I..."

"Shhhhhh, Cas. It's okay," Dean comforted. "It was just a dream." Or at least that's what he was going to make Cas believe it was. There was no way he was ready to know what he'd done to his brother, Dean decided. What good would it bring? The guy didn't know who he was yet. He didn't want Cas to think of himself as a bad guy. "It was just a dream, it's okay." Luckily, Cas seemed to believe Dean and he sighed deeply against his chest as he clung to the hunter.

"Can I...," Cas began after a moment. "Can I stay like this a little longer?" He lifted his chin just enough to look Dean in the eye and the hunter had to bite his tongue to keep from kissing him.

"Yeah," Dean whispered, stroking Cas's hair with one hand and rubbing small circles in his back with the other. "Yeah, go back to sleep. I'll be right here."

Castiel breathed a sigh of relief and nodded, shifting against Dean to reach a more comfortable position. "Thank you, Dean."

After a few minutes of sniffling and shifting against the hunter, Castiel fell asleep in Dean's arms.

Dean didn't get any sleep that night.


	5. Chapter 5

It didn't take long for Dean to begin resenting his impulsive decision to get that damn cat. About 12 hours, to be exact. At 6:30 in the morning, Dean had just about drifted off when Balthazar decided to stride over to the hunter's side, sending him into a sneezing fit. He recovered after a moment, glaring at the cat. "You're living up to your name, aren't you?"

"Is that your way of saying my deceased brother was annoying?"

Dean nearly jumped out of his skin when the deep voice vibrated against his chest. He tilted his head just enough to glance over the side of Castiel's face, cursing himself for waking the man up. "Um, no, I just-"

"It's alright if you didn't like my brother, Dean. I can't remember if he had given you reason to."

A wistful smile crossed Dean's face. "He really wasn't a bad guy," he said. "Just a pain in the ass sometimes. Snarky, I guess. But he was… helpful."

"Helpful?" Castiel tilted his head up, looking at Dean from where he lay on his chest. It sent a shiver across the hunter's spine and he was sitting up in seconds. "I'm sorry," Cas said, leaning away from Dean.

"S'fine, Cas," Dean mumbled, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand as he swung his legs over the bed and stood.

Castiel copied the movement and stood beside the hunter, a sympathetic smile on his face. "Sam told me you and I were… more than friends. I'm sor-"

"Don't." The taller man sighed, closing his eyes as he turned away from Cas. "Don't apologize, Cas."

"Why not?" Castiel asked, brows furrowed.

Shaking his head, Dean reached for his robe and put it on as he said, "Because it's not your fault. None of this is." Before the fallen angel could respond, Dean left the room to prepare breakfast.

About halfway through the day, Balthazar started getting restless. As much as Dean had tried to keep the feline in his room, he ended up escaping and scurrying around the bunker as the boys tried desperately to catch him. Castiel had nearly followed him to the entrance of the hidden dungeon, at which point Dean rushed in and swooped Balthazar up in his arms.

"Damn… cat," the hunter said as he caught his breath, turning to lead Cas out of the room.

Sam chuckled when Dean entered the library, announcing his presence with a sneeze. "So, is it worth it?" he asked, smirking as he quirked a brow.

Dean glanced over his shoulder at Castiel in the hallway, who was cradling the cat against his chest. "Yeah," he said with a smile.

Shaking his head, Sam smiled. "Well, you might wanna get him something to play with. You can't just keep the thing locked up in your room and not expect him to go crazy."

"Yeah, uh… I'll take Cas back to the pet store so he can pick out some yarn for him or something." Dean spun on his heels, calling at his friend, "Hey, Cas, shoes on. We're going out, and you can't wear my slippers to the store."

After a mild, but still childish amount of protesting, Castiel got his shoes on. He'd been wearing Dean's slippers all day, reveling in the "smooth padding it supplies to the bottom of the foot". Dean made a mental note to get the guy some squishy slippers of his own, chuckling to himself as they got in the car.

"What?" Castiel asked, narrowing his eyes at the man as he buckled up.

"Nothin'," Dean said, shaking his head. "You're really into those slippers, aren't you?"

Shrugging, a mannerism Dean wasn't sure he'd ever be used to his friend using, Castiel said, "They're comfortable. After all I've been through, I think I'm entitled to some comfort."

Dean's face fell as he looked away from the fallen angel. The guy didn't even _know_ how much he'd been through. Yeah, he was definitely entitled to some comfort.

"Are you alright, Dean?"

"Just… Yeah, you're right. You really deserve all the comfort you can get, Cas. That, and more."

Nodding to himself, Castiel shifted in his seat and remained quiet for the remainder of the ride.

Upon entering the store, Castiel managed to get Dean to allow him to explore more of the various types of pets available before they got anything for Balthazar.

"We're _not_ getting another animal, Cas," Dean said firmly, following the man to the reptile aisle.

"I know, Dean. I don't particularly want-" Castiel jumped back upon seeing a bearded dragon in its cage. He stared at it for a moment, then narrowed his eyes at the pogona. "I don't like it."

Dean chuckled, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with his troubled friend. "Scared, Cas?" he teased.

"It isn't pleasant to look at," Castiel replied, then squinted at the animal, which had come up to the front of the glass and seemed to be looking at the fallen angel. "And I don't trust it. It looks angry."

Gesturing at the label below the cage, Dean smirked as he pointed out, "It's a girl. _She_ looks angry."

"Then let's leave _her_ at once," Castiel said decidedly, turning from the reptile aisle and glaring at a snake as he walked past it.

Dean was beaming as he shook his head. "Guess you're really not into rept-"

"No, I'm not."

Castiel's firm statement sent Dean into a fit of laughter as he let the man lead him to the feeder mice.

"Why are there so many of these?" Castiel tilted his head as he peered down at the rather large cage of rodents. "Doesn't anyone want to buy them? They're not particularly unpleasant."

"Uh, those are feeder mice, Cas," Dean said, scratching the back of his neck and eyeing his friend sympathetically. "People buy 'em to feed their snakes and stuff."

Castiel turned to blink at Dean a few times before he looked back down at the helpless mice before him. "That's… That's cruel." Shifting his attention to his friend, Castiel said, "I hate reptiles."

"I didn't think you hated anything, Cas."

"Well, it's just… wrong. Wrong that those things eat the smaller… It's just… Dean, they can't help that they're small. Shouldn't bigger animals take care of the smaller ones?"

Dean shrugged. "It's the circle of life, man. It's messed up, but it's just how it is."

Turning his head to give his friend a pleading look, Castiel said, "Why don't we save all of them? We could buy them all, and… Well, I'm not sure what we'd do with them after that."

"Maybe you can stick 'em with the monkeys you save from cosmetic testing," Dean said, then hurried to drag Cas away from the mice.

"What?"

"Never mind, let's get the damn cat toys and go."

It wasn't until they were back in the Impala and on the way to the bunker that Dean felt calm enough to speak again. Something about remembering that crazy version of Cas had set him off, and he couldn't look at the guy for a while. Castiel had been too busy pouting about the feeder mice to really notice. Dean smiled softly as he considered how much Cas _cared_. "You really have a heart for the helpless ones, huh?"

Blinking out of his thoughts, Castiel turned his head to smile at Dean. "I suppose I do." He seemed to be pondering something for a moment before he said, "I care more about humans, I think. But animals are… important."

"What about bees?" Dean couldn't help but ask, chuckling to himself before the guy could even answer.

"What?" Cas demanded, narrowing his eyes at the hunter.

"You…," Dean tried to halt his laughing. "You once… Uh, let's say you were kinda… really out of it. You ended up on the hood of my car, splayed out, totally naked," the man lifted a hand to gesture at the hood, breaking out into laughter as he recalled the image. "Totally naked and _covered_ in bees."

Castiel was silent a moment, frowning as he stared at Dean. "You're… kidding."

"Not at all, Cas."

"Is that sarcasm?"

"No, Cas. That actually happened."

"I don't believe you." Castiel shook his head, turning to stare out his window.

Dean chuckled to himself as he sped up on the highway.

After spending some time playing with Balthazar, Castiel asked Dean if he could take a nap in their room. He explained that his dream had disturbed him, and he'd like to try and forget it. Dean agreed that some rest would do him good, so he left Cas in their room with the cat and decided to check on Sam in the library.

"How's research?" the hunter asked, his brother looking up from a book as he entered the room.

Sighing, Sam shook his head and frowned at the paper in front of him. "It's, uh, it's crap. Another dead end." He looked back up at Dean and asked, "How's Cas?"

"Sleeping." Dean took a seat across from his brother and blew out a puff of air. "He had a dream about what he did to Balthazar last night. Woke up screaming."

Sam leaned forward in his chair. "You mean, like, a memory?"

"Guess so, yeah."

The younger Winchester smiled, a pleased huff escaping his lips. "That's great."

"Excuse me?" Dean narrowed his eyes at his brother.

"That means the memories aren't lost, Dean. They may be hard to find, but they're _there_."

Dean widened his eyes, a glimmer of hope rising in his chest as he smiled. "Yeah?" He licked his lips, trying and failing not to get his hopes up. "Awesome."

"Yeah," Sam agreed, turning back to the books scattered across the desk. "Now we just have to figure out how to access those memories and bring them back."

"Not likely to find anything there, I would guess," Dean said, gesturing at the books.

"Tell me about it," Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair. Dean made a mental note to cut the damn locks off while his brother was sleeping if he didn't get it cut soon. He could probably put it in a ponytail at this point. "Because of the circumstances of Cas's fall, there really isn't much that can help us."

Dean nodded to himself, the hopes of Castiel's memory returning suddenly being drowned in the guilt he felt over what happened in that old church. _The circumstances of Cas's fall_. The words repeated in his head as something deep within him said it was his fault. He remembered the bloodied face of the broken angel as he beat him to a pulp. Even worse, he remembered _liking_ it. The mark had turned him into a monster, and, with or without it, he still felt like one. All it took was the occasional glance at his amnesiac friend and he was overwhelmed with shame. He'd been trying to hide it, but he knew he was failing.

When they had been playing with Balthazar earlier that day, Cas had told Dean that he appreciated how much he cared for him, and that he made him feel safe. He'd had to leave the room for a few minutes to recover from the memory of his betrayal, biting his fist as he'd held back tears. Dean was forced out of his thoughts when Sam slammed a book shut. The hunter jumped from his seat, startled. "Would you stop doing that?! _Damn_ it," he shouted.

Quirking a brow, Sam chuckled to himself as he leaned back in his chair. "Sorry I startled you, man. Calm down."

"I can't… I can't calm down." Dean avoided his brother's stare as his eyes began to water. "I can't-"

"Dean, this isn't your fault."

"The hell it isn't! He used the last of his grace on me, Sam. I went and got myself into some stupid shit and he had to save my ass. If I hadn't…" Dean began to sob quietly, turning away from his brother and shaking his head. "He trusts me," he said, his voice trembling in a broken whisper. "He said he felt _safe_ with me. After I… I nearly beat him to death, Sammy. And he doesn't even _remember_. He just goes around acting like we're friends and I can't…"

"Dean." Sam sighed. "Dean, look at me."

When Dean turned around, he was met with his brother's sympathetic stare. He felt pathetic, and he hated it. He wanted to run. He wanted to run out of the room, up the stairs, and out of the bunker. He wanted to get away. He _needed_ to get away.

"Don't even think about it," Sam said, as though he could read his brother's mind. "Dean… listen. Remember what Cas did, just before he passed out?"

Dean scoffed. "How could I forget?"

"Why do you think he'd do that, Dean? Do you really think he'd be capable of doing something like that if he blamed you for any of this?"

Shaking his head, Dean smirked. "No, that's not… I-"

"Can't you see how much he loves you, Dean? He even _told_ you, _while_ you were beating him, because nothing you did could change that. He loves you."

"Well, he shouldn't!" Dean winced as soon as the words left his mouth, fearing that he'd been too loud and would wake up Cas. He averted his gaze to the floor and shook his head, mumbling, "He shouldn't."

"Well, tough, Dean. You can't push people away just because you don't think you're worth it. People are going to love you no matter what, and you're going to have to fucking deal with it. Cas loves you. He's already forgiven you. Whether he remembers what you did or not, he knows you're a trustworthy, caring, responsible-"

Dean stormed out before his brother could finish. He left the bunker without a word, waiting until he was safe among the trees to weep openly, sinking to the ground against a tree trunk. Letting his head fall into his hands, Dean cried harder than he had in a very long time. All the guilt, all the anger, all the self-hatred pouring out of him in the form of tears.

It took him a good 20 minutes or so to collect himself. When he finally felt ready to go back inside, he found Castiel at the door, just about to leave.

"Oh, Dean. I…," the man said, blushing. "I was going to go find you. Your brother told me what happened, and I wanted to apologize."

Dean felt his skin flush as he bit his tongue. He was going to scream at Sam til his tongue fell out of his mouth, damn it. "He told you?! What the hell?! And why the hell would you apologize? I told you to stop apologizing for things that aren't your goddamn fault!"

Dropping his gaze to the ground, Castiel held his arms behind his back. "I'm sorry. I mean, um… I just, it probably made you uncomfortable. Although, truly, you were laughing about it earlier, but…"

"Wait…" Dean's expression changed from that of anger to a confused frown. "What?"

"Sam confirmed your story, about, um… He told me about the bees." Castiel couldn't look him in the eye, his cheeks pink as he thinned his lips. "I know it wasn't _entirely_ my fault, as I was apparently under the influence of… something. Nevertheless, I feel deeply ashamed for it and I wanted to apologize."

Dean began to grin, laughing at himself and his worry. He let out a deep breath and shook his head, smiling at a frowning Cas. "I'm, uh… It's okay, Cas. I'm not holding anything against you."

"Well, thank you." Castiel finally brought himself to smile up at Dean. "I'm glad there is nothing between us. I don't like conflict."

"Yeah, uh-"

"Dean, I know you're upset. Sam told me that you… I don't understand why, but apparently you blame yourself for what happened to me?" Castiel shook his head. "I don't know what happened, Dean, but… I don't care. Whatever happened, it's already been done. I can see how deeply you care for me, Dean. It's one of the reasons I trust you, whether or not you caused my memory loss."

Dean stood frozen as he blinked at his friend. "I…"

"Everyone makes mistakes, Dean," Cas said softly. "I'm sure I've made plenty of my own. But… we move on, right? Sam said you've always been hard on yourself. I wish you weren't, Dean. I don't know you very well, but… I-"

Cutting Cas off with a hug, Dean clung to his friend like his life depended on it. He had cried all his tears less than half an hour before, but his lip trembled as he held Castiel close. The fallen angel brought his hands up to rest around Dean's back as he sighed against his cheek. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Dean pulled away, offering his friend a small smile. "Thanks, Cas." He bit his lip, frowning a moment before decidedly leaning forward and kissing the other man's cheek ever so lightly.

Castiel widened his eyes, his mouth hanging open for a few seconds before he blinked and looked Dean in the eye. "I felt something."

"What?" Dean smiled nervously as he scratched the back of his neck. "What, like… infatuation or something?"

"Like… familiarity. Dean, it felt… I can't explain it."

Dean's smile faded when he realized Castiel wasn't experiencing those stupid butterflies in his stomach the way the hunter was. "Oh," he said. Then it hit him: familiarity. _That's gotta be on the right track to regaining memory, right?_ He smiled at the thought. "Good, Cas. That's… I'm pretty sure that's a good thing."

"It seemed like a good thing," Cas agreed, a small smile on his face. "It was pleasant."

Dean chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets as he swayed back and forth on his heels. "Good." He quirked a brow at his friend. "Maybe I should do it again."

Castiel took a deep breath, licking his lips. "I'd like th-"

"Dean! I need to talk to you, will you come down here?"

Dean cursed his brother under his breath for interrupting. He sighed, shrugging at Cas as he made his way down the stairs and into the library. "What?" he demanded.

"Met… Uh," Sam eyed Castiel, who had followed closely behind Dean. "Marv. Might've found him."

Nodding, Dean turned to Cas and gave him an apologetic smile. "Would you, uh… mind hanging out in our room for a bit?"

"Of course," Castiel said, turning and leaving the room without question.

"So, what's Bruce Almighty up to?" Dean turned to face his brother, who raised his brows at him. "What? That was pretty good, Sam."

With an amused huff, Sam shook his head. "Sure. Okay, so, we don't have an exact location, but… There've been some pretty extreme healings happening in a small town near the edge of Yellowstone."

"Yellowstone, as in… suspiciously close to where Crowley was last seen."

"You're seriously thinking they're working together?" Sam sounded doubtful, frowning at his brother.

Dean shrugged. "I'm just sayin'."

"Yeah, well… Anyway, Metatron's busy healing people, which, really, isn't such a bad thing, so…"

"So, what, we just let him form his little cult?"

"No, Dean, just… Cas needs to stay as far away from this as possible, and we can't leave him alone."

Nodding, Dean sighed. "Well, then… Marv gets lucky this time," he said, dragging a hand down his tired face.

"You think he knows? About Cas, I mean."

"If he did, wouldn't he try and find a way to fix it? I mean, if Cas is a 'main character' in his 'script', wouldn't he want to make sure he's well enough to put up a good fight, or something?"

Sam huffed. "I dunno, man. Maybe this was his plan all along. Maybe he _wanted_ Cas to forget, so he could… destroy him all over again."

Dean gritted his teeth. "Not on my watch, he won't."

"We don't know if that's the case, Dean," Sam reminded. "I'm just saying."

"Yeah, well, _I'm_ just saying: I'm gonna torture him in ways he's never imagined if he so much as lays a _finger_ on Cas." Taking a deep breath, Dean remembered that torture only ever made him feel like utter shit, and closed his eyes after seeing the concerned look on his brother's face. "You know I didn't mean… I don't have the mark, anymore, I'm not gonna go out on a killing rampage-"

"I know, Dean, I know. I wasn't worried about that."

Frowning at his brother, Dean asked, "Then what is it?"

Sam sighed as he leaned back in his chair. "I'm just… worried you care _too_ much about Cas, and it'll get you hurt. I mean, I get it. If you feel like you're somehow responsible for his life now, I get it, Dean, I do. But… if something happens to Cas… don't do anything stupid."

"Calm down, Sammy," Dean said, rolling his eyes. "You're the only one I ever do anything stupid for."

"Yeah, Dean, and it's not healthy. Me? Cas? We're not your responsibilities."

"Fine. But don't think I'm not gonna put my life on the line to save your asses, if the situation calls for it." Dean smirked, shrugging as he turned to leave the room. "Deal with it, baby brother. It's the Winchester Way."

Sam snorted. "Jerk," he called after his brother.

"Bitch."


	6. Chapter 6

Fire was a damn terrifying thing; Dean could attest to that. Too much shit had happened in his life by way of fire. He'd spent many nights lying in sweat after waking from the all-too-realistic dreams that plagued him from time to time. But Dean wasn't the one suffering from memories of threatening flames that night.

"Dean!"

Castiel's scream woke the hunter for the fifth night in a row, and Dean doubted he'd ever get used to hearing the man he'd always thought to be so powerful, so strong, call out for him in such despair. In the nights prior, Cas had found comfort in the warmth of Dean's embrace, or in holding Balthazar closely to his chest. Tonight, Castiel didn't have to say anything before Dean knew it wouldn't be that easy to calm him.

Taking a breath before flipping the light on, Dean turned to face Castiel and gather himself enough to ask, softly as he could, "What happened, Cas?"

"Fire." Castiel blinked, slowly, until he gave up on facing the light and closed his eyes with a heavy sigh. He clutched Dean's arm as the words came spilling out of him. "Fire… It was everywhere. It was all around me, in a circle. I… I was-"

"Shhh," Dean hushed, running a hand through the man's hair. "Breathe, Cas."

With shallow breath and seemingly uncontrollable nodding, Cas opened his eyes and met Dean's empathetic gaze. "There was fire, and the flames… they weren't that high, but I couldn't… I couldn't escape. I couldn't… You were there. I wanted to ask you to help, but I couldn't control my words. I told you to leave." Castiel dropped his gaze to Dean's chest, his eyes watering. "I don't… I was trapped, Dean, and it felt… deeper than a physical trap. I can't… I-"

"Hey, look at me." Dean lifted his friend's cheek, thinning his lips as he lied, "It was just a dream. It wasn't real."

Castiel looked up at Dean with tear-filled eyes, his lip quivering as he managed to whisper, "You looked so… disappointed in me."

 _I_ was _disappointed in you that night, Cas_. Dean bit his tongue as he recalled the look on his friend's face when he left him after learning he had been working with Crowley. Now, of course, Dean had no right whatsoever to be upset about that. And he wasn't. He was over it. Or, at least, that's what he told himself as he squeezed his eyes shut and dragged a hand down his face. _Thanks for reopening_ that _wound, buddy_. "It's alright, Cas. I'm not disappointed in you, okay? I promise."

"It felt real, Dean. It felt… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, if I… If I hurt you, in any way. I can't bear to imagine you so upset with me, Dean. Please… p-please forgive me-"

"Listen, Cas," Dean began, heaving a deep sigh as he turned to better embrace the man beside him. "I'm not holding anything against you right now, okay? There's nothing to forgive. If anyone needs to be asking forgiveness, here…" The hunter thinned his lips, silencing himself and rubbing Castiel's back gently.

Cas looked up at Dean with narrowed eyes. "Dean, I've already told you… I don't care what you did, or whatever it is that makes you feel responsible for the state I'm in. I'm not holding anything against you, either."

With a short huff, Dean leaned back against his pillow and shook his head. "Easy to say when you don't know what happened."

"Then tell me what happened."

"I'm not sure how many times we can tell you-"

"It's not a good idea," Castiel finished in sync with Dean, nodding. "I know. But, if it's troubling you, Dean… it needs to be dealt with, eventually."

"I'll let you know when 'eventually' comes along, then." Dean reached to turn off the light, clenching his jaw when Castiel gave him a loving smile, despite the amnesiac's obvious frustration, and moved to rest his head against Dean's chest as darkness filled the room.

"I… I care about you, Dean," Castiel said, his words slightly muffled by Dean's shirt. There was a moment of silence before he added, "Perhaps… more than that, I…"

Dean's heart was pounding, and he was pretty damn sure Cas could hear it. He bit his tongue, staring blindly through the dark of the room.

"I feel deeply for you, Dean," Castiel finally said with a sigh. "Please don't be so hard on yourself. No matter what you have or haven't done, I… Goodnight, Dean."

A few tears fell from Dean's eyes before he fell asleep with Castiel against his chest.

 

Not five hours later, Balthazar woke the pair by scratching at the door. Dean took a deep breath as he sat up, his arms wrapped tightly around Castiel.

"He probably needs to use the litter box," Castiel muttered, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands.

Dean groaned, switching on the lamp beside him. "Damn-"

"I'll take him." Cas was climbing out from under the covers within seconds as he stumbled to his feet and gathered the cat in his arms. "I'll bring him back in a few minutes, and get back in bed," he said, narrowing his eyes at the clock. "It's too early, and I'm not done with you."

Quirking a brow, Dean managed to smirk. "'Not done with' me?"

"This," Castiel said, gesturing at the bed with his free hand and ignoring the way Balthazar attempted to smack it with his paw. "This isn't over."

"What, sleeping?"

"I believe the term is… cuddling."

"Oh."

"I'll be back, Dean. Don't you dare leave that bed."

Dean snapped his jaw shut, eyes wide as Castiel left the room. He chuckled to himself when the former angel stumbled into the hallway tiredly. "Be careful out there, man!"

"I'm fine."

Dean broke out into laughter and pulled Castiel's pillow to his chest, holding it tightly as he smiled up at the ceiling. _Cuddling_. What a stupid, romantic, chick-flick thing to do. Dean couldn't wait.

"I was right," Castiel said, sounding quite satisfied with himself as he brought Balthazar back in a few minutes later. "He needed to use the litter box."

"That's great, Cas," Dean said somewhat condescendingly. He gestured at the floor as he added, "Then _he_ is welcome to chill down there." Before Castiel could protest, Dean pushed the covers back and smirked. "C'mon, man. Don't leave me waiting."

Castiel tried, and failed, to hide his smile as he set the cat down and climbed into the bed, snuggling up against Dean's side.

Dean put his arm around the man and pulled his head up to his chest, kissing his forehead without really thinking and biting his lip upon realizing what he'd done. "Uh… sorry."

"It's alright, Dean." Castiel arched his neck to smile up at the hunter. "I like it."

If Castiel noticed that Dean had flushed deep red, he didn't comment on it. The hunter nearly choked on his spit as he attempted to recover. "That's, uh, that's good, Cas. Awesome."

Smirking, Castiel settled his head back against Dean's chest and threw an arm over his stomach. "Yes, it is."

Dean chuckled a bit as he lifted a hand and ran his fingers through Castiel's messy hair. "Comfortable?"

Cas nodded. "Very." He sighed and pulled himself closer, if that were at all possible. "You're warm."

"Yeah."

"And strong."

"Hm?"

"It feels nice to have your arms around me. I feel safe."

Leave it to Cas to state plainly whatever the hell he's feeling. Dean almost envied the guy for his ability. Electing not to voice anything emotional, he tightened his embrace and kissed the top of Castiel's head. "Good."

They stayed there, quietly enjoying each other's presence, until 10:36 AM, when Sam decided he needed to knock on the door and tell them to "get up and have breakfast before lunch comes around".

"Yeah? Who's cooking?" Dean demanded, moving his hand to rub Castiel's back.

The door opened and Sam hesitantly peered inside as he said, "You."

"Geez, Sammy! At least let us throw some pants on!" Dean chuckled to himself when his brother turned away and closed the door with a song. His laughter increased when he looked down at a very confused Castiel.

"...We're wearing pants, Dean."

"I'm aware," Dean said, kicking off the covers and standing up. "But he doesn't have to know that. Just havin' a little fun with him."

Cas squinted at the hunter as he lazily sat up in the bed. "He is going to think we had sex."

Dean willed himself not to blush as he frowned at his friend. "It's a joke, Cas. Serves him right for dragging me out of bed so early."

"It's past ten, Dean."

"Exactly."

Castiel insisted upon explaining to the younger Winchester that he and Dean did _not_ , in fact, have sex. Dean closed his eyes as the amnesiac told his brother that they "had merely been cuddling" and that "pants had been worn through the entire event". Sam nearly choked on his eggs, laughing as Dean turned a bright shade of pink.

"Thanks, Cas, that's uh…," Sam chuckled, "that's good to know."

Dean grumbled to himself as he downed his orange juice and stood, the screech of his chair earning a pair of frowns.

"Where are you going, Dean?" Castiel asked.

"What, I can't leave until you're done?"

"Why do you feel the need to leave, Dean?" Sam asked, quirking a brow. "You're not embarrassed, are you?"

"Shut up," Dean said, pointing at his brother before turning to head for the hall. He stopped around the corner, safely out of sight, and made stomping sounds until he figured Sam and Cas would think he was gone.

"Why does he do that? Leave during times of emotional vulnerability, I mean."

Dean smirked. Of _course_ Cas has to get straight to the issue. The curious bastard.

"It's not something he knows how to deal with, I guess." Dean could imagine his brother shrugging as he spoke. "It's just how he's always been."

"I'm certain he wasn't like that as a child."

"Yeah, well… You didn't see our childhood, Cas."

Dean found himself nodding at his brother's words, then frowning as he leaned against a post and crossed his arms.

"Another thing I shouldn't learn about yet?"

"Yeah, man. I'm sorry."

"That's alright," Cas sighed. "I'm used to it."

Dean bit his tongue, wishing more than anything that the guy would just _remember_ him already. That he'd know he knew him well enough to confront him face-to-face if he had an issue with the way Dean handled his emotions. _God_ damn _it._

"Do you think that cuddling with him was a mistake?" Castiel asked Sam after a moment.

 _No, no, no, you idiot_.

"I don't know… I think it may have reminded him that you two are supposed to be… more, but you can't be-"

"Why can't we be more?"

_What?!_

"What?"

"Why can't Dean and I be more?"

"Well, you don't really know him, Castiel. It's only been about a week since all this happened, and-"

"I think I love him."

Dean coughed into his hand and hoped to God that neither of them heard it, eyes wide as he listened for his brother's response.

"...I think you do, too. To the extent that you can, considering the circumstances."

"Yes, right."

It took five minutes for Dean to gather the will to leave. He snuck back to his room and took a seat on the bed. "Considering the circumstances…," he mumbled to himself. "What if the circumstances never change?" he wondered. Would that mean the love Cas had for him would never deepen? That it would never be what it was before? Would he ever learn the truth about the Winchesters? About himself? "Don't think about that, damn it. Stop thinking about that." Dean bit back tears as he fell back against his pillow and flipped off the light.

If he took a nap, maybe he'd wake up feeling better. Or, maybe he'd wake up to realize it'd all been a dream. One big, long, realistic dream in which Dean's life went utterly shitty. As it always did.

Another thought occurred to him as he closed his eyes: maybe he'd been given a gift. Maybe, after all the shit they'd been through, this was a second chance. Dean could give Cas reason to trust him, and train him as a hunter if he needed to. He could tell him everything, but let the past be forgotten by the both of them. Maybe Cas would end up loving him even more than he ever could have, given that he would never remember seeing Dean as the monster who'd nearly beaten him to death. This didn't have to be a bad thing, it didn't need to be a dream… it could be good, right? _Yeah_ , Dean decided as he drifted out of consciousness. _It's gonna be better this time around. Promise, Cas._


	7. Chapter 7

It only took a few days for Dean's optimism to wear off. Upon resolving to take a shitty situation as a second chance, the hunter proceeded to pursue a better friendship with Castiel. However, being around the man only served to frustrate Dean. He'd find himself zoning out, staring at his friend's mouth as he recalled what those lips felt like against his own. It was driving him mad, and, as a result, he blew up at the unsuspecting amnesiac after a mere two days.

"Would you _stop_ doing that?! _Damn_ it!"

Castiel blinked at the red-faced hunter. "What did I do wrong?"

"You're always trying to touch me," Dean blurted out, glaring at the fallen angel who stood beside him in the bunker's library. "You _really_ don't need to be touching me."

"I was merely trying to get your attention, Dean. You said to let you know if I came across anything strange in this bunker." Castiel's gaze flickered down to the scattered files on the table, then moved back up to give Dean a frown. "And, really, Dean, I wasn't aware that putting my hand on your shoulder for a brief moment was such a problem. You didn't seem to have a problem cuddling with me the other d-"

"Well, I _did_. I was really fucking uncomfortable, okay? I can't do that right now. I can't have you touching me, or in my space, or looking at me with those _goddamn_ eyes… I can't, alright? So give it a rest. You're driving me nuts, man." Dean let out a deep breath, then narrowed his eyes at the other man, crossing his arms. "Wait, you found something strange?"

Thinning his lips, Castiel stared at Dean until he decided to let the hunter's issues go for the time being. "Yes," he said with a short nod. "You seem to have a hidden dungeon in one of your file rooms."

"Right. That."

"You knew about this?"

"Um, yeah… Look, Cas," Dean began, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder, "this place was sorta, uh… passed down to us from our grandfather. He was, um… I guess you could say he was part of a secret society and they did some… weird stuff. All good, important stuff, but… I mean, we didn't put that dungeon in there, okay? It was there when we moved in."

Squinting at the taller man, Castiel reached up to take Dean's hand off his shoulder and hold it between them pointedly. "Why is it okay for _you_ to touch _me_ , Dean?"

Dean clenched his jaw and jerked his hand away from his friend. "Because I'm expecting it," he said. _Because I'm doing it on_ my _terms. Because I'm not as dangerously aware of the fact that you're right fucking there and I could kiss you if I moved just a little bit closer._ "Besides, I wasn't thinking about it, okay, I just…," Dean shook his head, stepping back with raised hands. "Forget it. We good? About the dungeon thing? You aren't gonna go running away?"

"I don't plan on ever willingly leaving your side, Dean."

The way the corners of Castiel's mouth turned up ever so slightly left Dean with a lump in his throat and a voice in his head telling him to _back the fuck off before he changes his mind_. "Yeah, well… Okay, then."

Releasing a tired sigh, Castiel looked up at the ceiling before gesturing to the table. "Are you going to be done with this soon?"

"Why?"

"I am _exhausted_."

Quirking a brow, Dean smirked at the yawning man across from him. "All you did today was go out for lunch with me and play with the damn cat."

"I'm _exhausted_ , Dean," Castiel stated with a pouting lip that left the hunter wondering if he was genuinely tired or just being a little shit.

Dean chuckled despite himself and shook his head. "You can go to bed before I do, y'know that, right?"

Fixing his eyes on the floor, Castiel chewed lightly at his lower lip and admitted, "It's hard to sleep when you're not there. I… I'm afraid of having one of those dreams and waking up alone."

Swallowing hard, Dean fought to restrain himself from pulling his friend into a hug. "Alright," he said with a nod, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair, "let's go."

"Dean?"

"Hm?"

"You don't have to… I mean, if being near me is frustrating for you, we… we don't have to sleep in the same bed. I'm sorry that I've been, um, closer to you than perhaps you are comfortable with, given my memory loss, and… I understand if you don't see me as your friend because of-"

Dean cut Cas off by wrapping firm arms around him. "You do _not_ need to be sorry, damn it," he said through gritted teeth. " _I_ am sorry. I was being an ass earlier. It's not your fault." He pulled away, moving his hands to Castiel's shoulders and looking him in the eye. "You are Cas. You are _so_ Cas, sometimes, it hurts. It really freakin' hurts. 'Cause I _know_ it's you. You're so… _Castiel_. The only reason I get upset is 'cause _you_ don't know it. But don't you ever doubt this… _us_ , because of your condition, alright?"

If Castiel noticed the tears gathering in Dean's eyes, he didn't comment on it. Perhaps he was too busy holding back his own. "Alright," he agreed.

"Alright." Dean let go of his friend and released a rather shaky breath. "Now, let's get to bed."

Within half an hour, the two men were settled into bed and Dean tentatively pulled Castiel to rest his head against his chest. He knew the fallen angel fell asleep easier that way, and, if it was gonna help the guy, Dean figured he could suck it up and ignore his stupid emotions for one night.

* * *

"Dean!"

The hunter startled awake at the sound of his name, his heart pounding in his chest as he reached for the light. "What? Cas, what's wrong?" He squinted down at the other man, who was drenched in sweat and shaking against Dean's side. "It's okay. It's okay, it was just a dream," he said, running a hand through Castiel's wettened locks.

Tears fell from the amnesiac's eyes as he propped himself up on weak elbows. "Y-you were in it again."

 _Great,_ Dean thought, _which shitty memory are you gonna bring up this time?_

"It was… I was beating you, Dean." Castiel's broken voice earned the solemn attention of his friend as he pulled himself closer for support. "I was beating you and I couldn't stop myself. You were… you were begging me to stop. And I wanted to, I know I wanted to. I was screaming at myself to stop but I c-couldn't."

Sucking in a deep breath, Dean closed his eyes and tried to block out the memory as he rubbed his friend's back. "It was just a dream. It's okay."

"No." Castiel shook his head, looking up at Dean as he tried to calm himself. "No, it felt real, Dean. More real than any... any other dream I've had. I can't explain it. I... Dean, please... please tell me. Please tell me if it's real. Tell me I'm not losing my mind. I could _feel_ it, Dean. It felt too real."

"No, it... I'm telling you it was a dream, okay?"

Cas sniffed as he wiped the tears from his face and sat up to look Dean in the eye. "But are you telling me the truth?"

Dean's heart sank as he realized he couldn't lie to the man. He had to tell him. He had to tell him everything, right then and there. He pondered bringing Sam into the room, but decided against it as he sat up and faced his friend. "I... no. You're right."

"I'm... right?" Castiel's eyes widened, his mouth dropping open as he stared, horrified, at Dean. "That... happened? I tried to kill you?"

"It wasn't your fault. It really wasn't, Cas," Dean said, tears forming in his eyes. He had no idea what to expect for the outcome of the conversation, and couldn't begin to imagine how Castiel was feeling. "You were being controlled. It's... hard to explain."

"Explain it." Taking Dean's hands in his, Castiel urged the man, "Please, explain it."

Releasing a wary sigh, the hunter nodded and shifted where he sat. "You... Cas, I don't know how to... I can't-"

"Just tell me, Dean. I trust you. You can tell me everything, I won't leave."

"...You're an angel."

Blinking at the hunter, Castiel frowned. "I... what?"

"You... well, you _were_ an angel. I don't actually know if you still are. But, um, you... I was trying to stop you from taking this, uh, tablet, but... I didn't know you were being brainwashed by this crazy bitch up in heaven, and, I mean, it really wasn't your fault, Cas. You were fighting it, and, eventually, you blocked her out. You... Cas, are you believing any of this?"

"I... suppose I don't have any reason _not_ to believe it." Closing his eyes for a moment before looking back at Dean, the fallen angel nodded. "I believe you, Dean. I don't know why you would make any of this up. And, in the past two weeks, I've never... Well, I've never _not_ believed in the supernatural. So, I'm sure it exists. I trust you, Dean. I understand why you wanted to speak as little about our lives as possible."

"Yeah, it's been... really freakin' hard keeping all this from you. We just didn't want to freak you out. I didn't want you to leave."

"I'm not leaving, Dean."

"You shouldn't..." Dean sighed and looked away. "You shouldn't trust me as much as you do."

Cas reached for the hunter's hand and held it tightly. "You're all I have. I have no one else to trust, Dean. You care about me, I can see that. And that makes me want to trust you. It gives me hope for my future, that I'll be safe with you. It gives me... well, it helps me not worry about my past, because, even though I know I've done some terrible things, you're still here."

"But you don't know what _I_ did!" Dean pounded his fist into the sheets, clenching his jaw as he bit back tears. "This whole thing is _my_ fault."

"Then... tell me what you did. If it is such a burden to you, then you need to take care of it, Dean. Tell me, and let it go."

A tear streamed down Dean's cheek as he nodded to himself, tilting his head down and squeezing the hell out of Castiel's hand. "I nearly beat you to death," he whispered, voice trembling as he avoided his friend's gaze. "I... I gained this... this demonic power, and... I couldn't control it. I beat you, and I... I enjoyed it, Cas," Dean cried, shaking where he sat. "I was so bloodthirsty, I... I left you nearly dead. And then you did something, you said something that made me realize what I was doing. You stopped me and I... I have never been so disgusted with myself, Cas. I've done some terrible things, but... I almost killed you. And, if I'd done that, I would've killed my brother. I know I would've."

"But you didn't," Cas reminded, rubbing the back of Dean's hand with his thumb. "Dean, I can't pretend to understand what happened. But, it sounds to me like you were being controlled, just as I was in my dream. Is that true?"

"Well, I... I mean, yeah, the power took over, but... I was _there_ and-"

"And, apparently, it was the same with me."

"Yeah, but... I'm the reason you lost your memory. And that you're probably not an angel anymore. You used the last of your power to fix me."

There was a moment of silence before Castiel offered Dean a gentle smile and said, "I forgive you."

Dean blinked. "W-what?"

"Do you think I knew what I was doing? When I used the last of my power?"

"Well, yeah. You kissed me. 'Just in case'. That's what you said to me."

With a hint of a smirk, Castiel nodded. "Sounds like something I would do."

Dean barely held back a snort. "How would you know?"

"Because I'm... thinking of doing it again." When Dean widened his eyes, Cas shifted a little closer to the hunter. "Dean, don't you think that, if I was willing to make a choice like that, I must have thought you were worth it?"

"I-"

"I think that was the case," Castiel said, leaning close enough to hear the other man's breath hitch. "Every day that I spend with you, I feel it more and more, Dean."

"F-feel what?" Dean was a bright shade of pink as he licked his lips, tasting a hint of salt from his previous tears.

Cas smiled warmly and let go of Dean's hand to wrap an arm around his back. "How much you're worth. How much I care about you, and want to be near you. I can't imagine being happy anywhere else. I... I want to try something, Dean."

Dean thought his chest was going to explode as he sucked in a deep breath and forced himself to meet his friend's gaze. "W-what?"

"I'd like to kiss you, if that's alright."

"But you don't even know... I mean, I haven't told you everything yet."

Shaking his head, Castiel leaned closer. "I don't care."

"You don't want to know more?"

"You can tell me more later. Our present is more important to me than the past," Castiel said, then bit his lip as he blushed. "I don't need to know more about you to know how I already feel about you." Tilting his head enough to nearly brush his lips against Dean's cheek, Cas asked, "May I kiss you?"

Dean gulped, closing his eyes as he nodded. "I'd like that. I'd like that a l-"

Castiel's lips silenced Dean as the fallen angel all but climbed into the other man's lap and threw his arms around him.

It took only a few seconds for Dean to realize two things. The first was that, yes, kissing Cas was the best feeling in the world and _no wonder_ he'd been feeling so deprived. Second... something was happening. Cas practically froze in his arms, and there was this strange tingling feeling where their lips met. Not in the normal sense, either. It felt... different. And Dean was pretty sure Cas felt it too, because he suddenly gasped and pulled at Dean as though he needed him to be closer. The hunter opened his eyes to find that Castiel's eyes, while closed, seemed active. _Like when someone's having a dream_ , he thought.

After a moment, Castiel's eyes fluttered open and he leaned back to stare at the hunter in shock. He blinked a few times before smiling and leaning back in to press his mouth firmly against the hunter's. "I love you," he breathed. "I _know_ you, and I love you." When Dean pulled away and blinked at the fallen angel, Castiel beamed and said, "I remember everything."


	8. Chapter 8

It took Dean a few moments of blinking at the man in his lap before Castiel's words really sunk in. _I remember everything_. The hunter opened and closed his mouth as he searched for a response, but was once again brought to silence by the other man's lips. The kiss didn't feel particularly different from before, but it had that sense of familiarity that Dean had been yearning for. As he reached up to the back of Castiel's neck in effort to pull him closer, the hunter felt a soft sigh against his lips.

"I love you," Cas said once more, pulling away to offer Dean a warm smile.

"I… I love you, too, Cas." All Dean could do was breathe a sigh of relief as he realized: he hadn't missed his chance after all. He vaguely wondered whether he'd have ever said those three words if it had not been for nearly losing the angel. _Wait…_ "Are you okay? Are you… Cas, are you human?"

The corners of Castiel's mouth quivered as he struggled to maintain the joyous expression. "Yes," the man confirmed. "I've fallen. For good, this time."

Dean bit his tongue to keep from cursing himself and clung to his friend. "I'm sorry," he whispered against Castiel's collarbone. "Damn it, Cas, I'm sorry."

"This isn't your fault, Dean. It was going to happen no matter what." Cas began stroking the hunter's hair, wiping away the beads of sweat that had begun to form on his forehead. "My grace was running out. There was nothing you could have done to stop that."

"But this whole thing-"

"Dean, I've told you already that I don't blame you," the fallen angel soothed. "And that was when I hardly even knew you."

"Well… Well what about now?"

"Now," Castiel began, lifting Dean's head with both hands to look him in the eye, "I am relieved."

A blank look was all Dean could manage as he asked, "What?"

"I… When I kissed you, I didn't know if you reciprocated my… I didn't know if you loved me the same way I love you." Castiel gave a small smile, blushing as he continued, "And then I fainted, so. I didn't quite get to gauge your feelings for me." Dean chuckled, his mouth widening against Castiel's hands before the fallen angel let go and shrugged. "It would seem that you enjoy kissing me. So, yes, Dean, I am relieved. Because I quite enjoy kissing you."

Dean beamed and leaned forward to press a light kiss to Castiel's jaw. "Guess we'd better do it more often, then."

"I'd like that."

Castiel's smile was so genuine that Dean nearly had to catch his breath. He'd feared that the former angel wouldn't be as expressive when he got his memory back. It was such a relief to be wrong. Dean returned the other man's smile and nodded. "Good."

With a tired smile and a yawn, Cas curled up against Dean's chest and reclined against his pillow. "'M exhausted," he muttered against the hunter's neck.

"That seems to be your new favorite word," Dean said with a chuckle. He wrapped his arms around the other man and pressed his lips to Castiel's temple.

"What makes you think that?" Castiel asked, mindlessly stroking the back of Dean's hands with his own.

"You were really trying to get across the _extent_ of your exhaustion the other day." Dean's fond smile dropped to a frown as he asked, "Do you remember this past week or so?"

Nodding against Dean's chest, Castiel said, "Yes. And, Dean, I really was _exhausted_."

"That's… You're doing that on purpose, right?" Apparently, Cas knew _exactly_ how much of a little shit he was being and proceeded to crack up as Dean turned off the light. "Dork," the hunter laughed.

Dean had no trouble sleeping the rest of the night.

Waking up in Castiel's arms was _awesome_ , Dean decided. Especially when the guy actually knew who he was and showed no signs of confusion as he blinked up at him. "Mornin', Cas."

"Good morning, Dean." Castiel smiled and sat up, moving to lean over the hunter and tilt his head downward for a kiss.

Dean smiled against the other man's mouth and nodded. "Yup," he mumbled. "Still love you."

"Glad to hear it," Castiel chuckled.

"Hungry yet?"

"Yes." The former angel sat up straight and shifted his gaze to the cat at the end of the bed. "But you go on ahead. I'll take care of Balthazar, first."

Rolling his eyes, Dean reached up and yanked Castiel back on top of him. "Not yet, man. I ain't gettin' out of this bed for another 10 minutes, at _least_." He smirked, flicking his gaze up and down the other man's face. "It's too early, and I'm not done with you."

Cas beamed back at the hunter and nodded, lowering his head for another kiss.

It took a good 20 minutes for the couple to finally get out of bed. After straightening out his t-shirt, Castiel picked Balthazar up and left the room. Dean threw on a robe and strided into the dining room.

"Cas is up," the hunter said, unable to hide his joy as his lips formed a bright smile.

Sam looked up at Dean from his plate of pancakes and smiled, lifting a brow. "Yeah?"

"Yup."

"So…?"

"So…"

"I remember everything."

The Winchesters shifted their attention to Castiel, who walked up behind Dean and slid his arms around the man's waist. If Sam had any amused thought in his mind, he didn't voice it.

"Pancakes?" Dean asked the former angel with a smile. "They're not chocolate chip, but…"

"That's probably for the best," Castiel pointed out. "I think it's wise to let Sam do most of the grocery shopping, Dean."

Sam chuckled, standing from his chair and walking to Cas's side with widened arms. "Glad you're back, Castiel."

Returning the younger Winchester's hug, Cas smiled and said, "Y'know I was… actually _here_ the whole time."

"I know, I just meant… I missed the Cas that _knew_ us, y'know?" Sam gestured to his brother with a smirk. "And this guy was kind of a sulking pain in the a-"

"Shut up," Dean muttered, elbowing Sam in the rib when the taller man chuckled. "Go make the man some pancakes."

"I'm sure I can make my own, Dean." Castiel frowned at the hunter and began walking toward the kitchen.

"Then make mine, too, while you're at it!"

Sam shook his head, chuckling to himself as he took a seat at the table again.

"What?"

"Just… I am gonna end up resenting living under the same roof as you two, aren't I?"

"Maybe. I dunno. Shut up." Dean tried not to smile as he took a seat across from his brother and waited a few minutes before joining Castiel in the kitchen. "Need any help?"

"I got this."

Dean raised his hands and backed away. "Alright, do your thing."

"Dean?" Castiel looked up, setting down the spatula he'd been holding as he leaned against the counter.

"Hm?"

"Are you going to resume training me?"

"To be a hunter?"

"Yes."

"You wanna be a hunter?"

"Yes."

"Then, yeah."

Castiel smiled, returning his attention to the stove. "Good."

"Any word on Metatron?" Dean asked during breakfast.

Sam shook his head, and Castiel frowned. "What about Crowley?" the fallen angel wondered.

"Oh," the younger Winchester said, sitting up in his chair and pointing in the general direction of the library, "I've been tracking him. I have a whole list of his coordinates from each time he pops up somewhere."

"So… are you saying you can predict where he'll be next?" Dean asked, shoving a generous bite of pancakes into his mouth.

"No, but I figure we could start checking out those spots," Sam suggested. "Y'know, to see what he's been up to."

Nodding, Castiel agreed, "We should do that. It might give us clues as to where else he'll go." Turning to Dean, he asked, "When do we leave?"

Dean nearly choked on his breakfast, raising his brows at the other man. "Uh, Cas, you just got your memory back. And you've just become human. You sure you wanna take that on?"

"We're just following his footsteps, correct?"

"Yeah, Cas, but... Dean's right," Sam said. "Crowley's footsteps are often surrounded by quite a mess. I mean, there could be a nest of demons, or God knows what else, at any one of these stops."

"Then we should hurry." Castiel scooted his chair back and stood. "There could be people in danger. I don't want to wait while they suffer."

"Cas... I need to train you, remember?"

"I know how to fight, Dean."

"There's... no changing your mind on this, is there?" Sam asked. He shifted his gaze to Dean, who rolled his eyes and stood from his chair.

"There's no changing _my_ mind, and you're not going anywhere 'til it's safe, Cas." The hunter's heart pounded in his chest as he practically had to hold himself back from wrapping his arms around the fallen angel and hiding him in his robe. Castiel wasn't going to be able to _sneeze_ without Dean freaking out, the poor guy.

Thinning his lips, Cas gave Dean a sympathetic look and concluded, "You're worried about losing me." When the hunter avoided his gaze, Castiel reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. "You can't worry about that, Dean. And you know it isn't right to ignore those who are suffering in order to keep just one person safe."

"Cas..."

"He's right." Sam was standing on the other side of the table, his arms folded over his chest. "Dean, I get it, and I'm sorry, but Cas is right. And it's not like he can't take care of himself."

Castiel nodded. "I've been trained to fight in various ways, Dean. I can manage without my grace."

"...Fine." Dean sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes for a moment. "I don't like it, but fine."

"Thank you, Dean," Cas said. "Now, when do we leave?"

"You don't."

All three men turned in unison at the sound of a familiar voice.

"Hello, boys," Crowley said, standing at the entrance of the room. "I could use your assistance in stopping a _not_ so heavenly being with an obnoxious god complex that's gotten a _tad_ bit out of hand. Who's with me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all, folks! I'd love to continue this story into an alternate season 10, but my life is getting busier by the day, so I'm not sure that'll be happening. I may or may not write a few one-shots in this AU... but no promises.   
> Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Reviews are appreciated, as always. :)


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